Yankovic!

Yankovic! : Published Lyrics : Bad Hair Day



"Amish Paradise" --------------------------------------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic parody of "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain But that's just perfect for an Amish like me, Ya know, I shun fancy things like electricity At 4:30 in the mornin' I'm milkin' cows Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows... fool And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699! We've been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise I churn butter once or twice Living in an Amish paradise It's hard work and sacrifice Living in an Amish paradise We sell quilts at discount price Living in an Amish paradise A local boy kicked me in the butt last week I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek I really don't care, in fact I wish him well 'Cause I'll be laughing my head off when he's burning in hell But I ain't never punched a tourist even though he deserved it An Amish with a 'tude? You know that's unheard of I never wear buttons, but I got a cool hat And my homeys agree I really look good in black... fool If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years But we ain't really quaint, so please don't point and stare We're just technologically impaired There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar Not a single luxury Like Robinson Caruso It's as primitive as can be We've been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise We're just plain and simple guys Living in an Amish paradise There's no time for sin and vice Living in an Amish paradise We don't fight, we all play nice Living in an Amish Paradise Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter Raise a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anutter Think you're really righteous? Think you're pure in heart? Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like On my knees day and night scorin' points for the afterlife So don't be vain and don't be whiny Or else, my brother, I might have to get medieval on your heinie We've been spending most our lives Living in an Amish paradise We're all crazy Mennonites Living in an Amish paradise There's no cops or traffic lights Living in an Amish paradise But you'd probably think it bites Living in an Amish paradise Ah oh oh oh, oh oh oh Ah oh oh oh, oh oh YECCH!
Everything You Know Is Wrong ---------------------------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane with a rabid wolverine in my underwear when suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie? Is it Bob or Joe or Walter? Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?" I probably would have kept on guessing but about that time we crashed into the truck And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams when I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension and soon I was abducted by some aliens from space who kinda looked like Jamie Farr They sucked out my internal organs and they took some polaroids and said I was a darn good sport and as a way of saying thank you they offered to transport me back to any point in history that I would care to go And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night so I could pay my phone bill on time Just then the floating disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin when I got a nasty papercut and, well, to make a long story short it got infected and I died so now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates and it's obvious he doesn't like the Nehru jacket that I'm wearing He tells me that they've got a dress code Well, he lets me into heaven anyway but I get the room next to the noisy ice machine for all eternity and every day he runs by screaming Everything you know is wrong Black is white, up is down and short is long And everything you used to think was so important Doesn't really matter anymore because the simple fact remains that Everything you know is wrong Just forget the words and sing along All you need to understand is Everything you know is wrong Everything you know is wrong
Cavity Search ------------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic (parody of U2's "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me") Listenin' to the Muzak Hearin' people scream Sittin' in the waiting room Readin' crappy magazines With a toothache This is it, pal Root canal My molars are impacted I'm gettin' gum disease I'm gonna need some fillings Got twelve cavities Can you help me Have mercy Doctor, please My teeth are a fright Got a huge overbite Numb me, drill me Floss me, bill me You jab at my nerve endings It's driving me insane just give me nitrous oxide Shoot me up with novocaine Help me out here 'Cause I'm in severe Pain Please stop for a bit Now let me rinse and spit Numb me, drill me Floss me, bill me You validate my parking I think that I'm okay But you make one more appointment for A week from Saturday 'Cause you came upon A little problem on My x-ray Oy vey! It's getting absurd Well, I hope I'm insured, now Numb me, drill me Floss me, bill me
Callin' In Sick --------------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic Hit my snooze alarm for the 27th time just don't feel like goin' to work - I think I'll call my boss, then I'm Gonna hack and cough and wheeze Swear I got some strange disease What's that little twerp gonna say? Hey I'm callin' in sick today Callin' in sick today I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp I could spend all day in my underwear watching "Ernest Goes To Camp" I could sit and count my hair I could burp my Tupperware I'm not busy now anyway Hey I'm callin' in sick today Callin' in sick today Ain't goin' to work, no way Callin' in sick today I can do anything I want to I am invincible now I'm on fire, baby I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world? I'm alive! Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun and trying not to squint Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from my belly button lint When I'm sick of takin' abuse I just make up some lame excuse Freedom's just seven digits away Hey I'm callin' in sick today Callin' in sick today Ain't goin' to work, no way Callin' in sick today
Alternative Polka ----------------- Medley arranged by "Weird Al" Yankovic ["Loser" by Beck] Soy un perdidor I'm a loser, baby, So why don't you kill me? Soy un perdidor I'm a loser, baby, So why don't you kill me? Hey! ["Sex Type Thing" by Stone Temple Pilots] I am I am I am I said I wanna get next to you. I said I'm gonna get close to you. You wouldn't want me have to hurt you, too. Hurt you, too. I know you want what's on my mind. I know you like what's on my mind. I know it eats you up inside. I know you know, you know, you know. Here I come I come I come I come. Here I come I come I come. ["All I Want To Do" by Sheryl Crow] All I wanna do is have some fun. I gotta feeling I'm not the only one. All I wanna do is have some fun. I gotta feeling I'm not the only one. All I wanna do is have some fun. Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard. ["Closer" by NIN] Help me--I broke apart my insides. Help me--I've got no soul to sell. Help me--The only thing that works for me. Help me get away from myself. I wanna *poink* you like an animal. I wanna feel you from the inside. I wanna *boing* you like an animal. My whole existence is flawed. You get me closer to God. Hey! Hey! Hey! ["Bang and Blame" by REM] You bang bang bang bang bang. Blame blame blame. You bang bang bang bang bang. It's not my thing so let it go. ["You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morisette] 'Cause the love that you gave every day wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide No! And every time you speak her name Does she know how you told me You'd hold me until you died? 'Til you died. Well you're still alive! And I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away. It's not fair to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me. You-ou-ou-ou-ou oughta know! Hey! ["Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins] Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage! Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage! And someone will say What is lost can never be saved. Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage! ["My Friends" by Red Hot Chili Peppers] I love all of you Hurt by the cold. So hard and lonely, too When you don't know yourself. ["I'll Stick Around" by Foo Fighters] I don't owe you anything! I don't owe you anything! I don't owe you anything! I don't owe you anything! ["Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden] Black Hole Sun Won't you come And wash away the rain? Black Hole Sun Won't you come, won't you come Black Hole Sun, Black Hole Sun Won't you come Black Hole Sun, Black Hole Sun Won't you come Black Hole Sun, Black Hole Sun ["Basket Case" by Green Day] Do you have the time To listen to me whine About nothing and everything all at once? I am one those melodramatic fools. Neurotic to the bone, No doubt about it. Sometimes I give myself the creeps! Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me! It all keeps adding up. I think I'm cracking up. And am I just paranoid Or am I just stoned? Or am I just stoned-oh-oh-oh-oh-ned? Hey!
Since You've Been Gone ---------------------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic Since you've been gone Well I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil Since you've been gone It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil Well, I'm feeling like I stuck my hand Inside a blender and turned it on You know I've been in a buttload of pain Since you've been gone (Since you've been gone) I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped A two-ton bowling ball on my toes (Since you've been gone) It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved A red hot cactus up my nose Since you've been gone Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day Since you've been gone It's like I got an ice cream headache that won't go away Ever since the day you left me I've been so miserable, my dear I feel almost as bad as I did When you were still here
Gump ---- by "Weird Al" Yankovic parody of "Lump" by The Presidents of the USA Gump sat alone on a bench in the park. "My name is Forrest," he'd casually remark. Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets, He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates He's Gump, He's Gump What's in his head? He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump Is he in-bred? Gump was a big celebrity. He told JFK that he really had to pee. He never feels too dumb because His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does He's Gump, He's Gump He's kinda square. He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump What's with that hair? Run... run... run, run, now Forrest Run... run... run like the wind now Run... run... run, run, now Forrest Run... stop! His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man His friend with no legs he'd call Lieutenant Dan His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt He's Gump, He's Gump He's not too bright He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump But he's all right Is this Gump out of his head? I think so Is this Gump really brain-dead? I think so Did this Gump make lots of bread? I think so And that's all I have to say about that
I'm So Sick Of You ------------------ by "Weird Al" Yankovic You tell a joke and forget the punchline Why you always wastin' my time? Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me Your hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty I don't know too many females Who make a habit of biting their toenails Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl I'm sure we'd be happy together If only one little thing weren't true Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you You drink the milk right from the carton What are you, in kindergarten? You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air Then you use my razor to shave your back hair You don't have an ounce of class You're just one big pain in the neck How much more can I take now, give me a break now You even snore when you're wide awake now You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple Well, maybe you should get a clue 'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Baby, you're so nauseatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you And when you softly call my name It's like I'm listenin' to a squeaky chalk sound And when you look at me that special way It's hard for me to keep my lunch down And when you ask me what I'm thinkin' honey, usually I'm thinkin' how I'd really like to tie your head completely up in duct tape so I wouldn't have to listen to you asking me those stupid questions over and over again Well, that disgusting noise you make when you laugh gives me a throbbing migraine (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) Until you came along I never dated anyone this low on the food chain (Can't stand you, I just can't stand you) You've got inhuman body odor You've got the hair of a boxing promoter Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O You wake up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow I hate the way you crack your knuckles I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too But mostly I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Really now, you're aggravatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Not to mention irritatin' I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan I yi yi yi yi I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you I'm so sick of you You make me sick
Syndicated Inc. --------------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic parody of "Misery" by Soul Asylum My whole family Loves "Three's Company" See the reruns constantly There on my TV Syndicated Incorporated Well, I know what's on the tube I know just what to see Got my TV Guide with me "MASH" and "All in The Family" "The Munsters" and "Mayberry R.F.D." I will always be busy Watching my TV Oprah Winfrey talks to me Every day at three Then soon it'll be "Wheel" and "Jeopardy" Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated Well, I'm in such ecstasy When I'm watchin' TV I'm a boob tube devotee Think I'm losin' my sanity I'm addicted to Regis & Kathie Lee Forever I will always be Glued to my TV Love "The Partridge Family" And "Dynasty" And "Laverne & Shirley" And "Hard Copy" Syndicated Incorporated Syndicated Incorporated
I Remember Larry ---------------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door Well, he always was the neighborhood clown Like the time he pulled my pants off and he took those color pictures And posted copies all over town Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn Or those wacky prank phone calls from midnight til dawn What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around Boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair 'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay inside my jockstrap And filled my toothpaste tube up with glue All those wedgies he gave, all those shoestrings he tied All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside O Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you Boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try You know I couldn't help but laugh Even though he treated me like slime Remember when he cut my car in half? Well, he really got me good that time! Say, do you remember when I broke in Larry's house Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag Then I dragged him by his ankles to the middle of the forest And stuffed him in a big plastic bag If the cops ever find him, who knows what they'd say But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today He would have to agree with me it was a pretty good gag Oh boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try Oh boy, what a joker What a funny, funny guy I'll never forget about Larry No matter how I try No matter how I try Oh, I remember Larry. [.sdnah ruoy no emit eerf fo tol lufwa na evah tsum uoy, woW]
Phony Calls ----------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic parody of "Waterfalls" by TLC Mom and Dad are goin' out for the evening And you're stuck inside the house all alone That's when you decide it might be fun to harrass someone Dial a random number up on your telephone You ask if their refrigerator is running Then you tell 'em they should go out and catch it Buddy, if they ever figured out where you were callin' 'em from They'd come and bust your head right in with a ratchet Listen to me Don't go makin' phony calls Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to I know that you think it's funny drivin' folks right up the wall But it's really gettin' old fast Little Melvin has a natural obsession Askin' for Prince Albert in a can He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan He's callin' strangers up at three in the morning Gives 'em pizza pie delivery at four He won't be laughin' when they're tracin' his line One day the phone police will be there at his door Yo, hear me Don't go makin' phony calls Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to Swear someday I'm gonna yank that phone cord right out from the wall How long is this phase gonna last? Come on Don't go makin' phony calls Please stick to the seven-digit numbers you're used to You went through the New York City phone book and prank-called 'em all Hope that you grow out of this fast
The Night Santa Went Crazy -------------------------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye, "Merry Christmas to all... now you're all gonna die!" The night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Well, the workshop is gone now he decided to bomb it Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!" The night Santa went crazy The night Kris Kringle went nuts Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole Without steppin' in reindeer guts There's the National Guard and the F.B.I. There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' and everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why? My my my my my my You used to be such a jolly guy Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time In a federal prison for his infamous crime Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service And they say Mrs. Claus, she's on the phone every night With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights They're talkin' 'bout - the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nicholas flipped Broke his back for some milk and cookies Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped Wo, the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain
The Night Santa Went Crazy -------------------------- alternate version by "Weird Al" Yankovic Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye "Merry Christmas to all-- now you're all gonna die!" The night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Well, the workshop is gone now he decided to bomb it Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddie Krueger And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!" The night Santa went crazy The night Kris Kringle went nuts Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole Without steppin' in reindeer guts There's the National Guard and the F.B.I. There's a van from the Eyewitness News and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin' and everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why? My my my my my my You used to be such a jolly guy Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead Some guy from the S.W.A.T. team blew a hole through his head Yes, little friend now He has his brains on the floor Guess you won't have the fat guy to kick around anymore Well now there's no more presents for the children's enjoyment And the elves gotta stand in line to file for unemployment And they say Mrs. Claus she's on the phone every night With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights They're talkin' bout--the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nicholas flipped Broke his back for some milk and cookies Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped Wo, the night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain

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