"Amish Paradise"
---------------------------------------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
parody of "Gangsta's Paradise" by Coolio
As I walk through the valley
where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
But that's just perfect for an Amish like me,
Ya know, I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the mornin' I'm milkin' cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and
Jacob plows... fool
And I've been milkin' and plowin' so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline
Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699!
We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I churn butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise
A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don't care, in fact I wish him well
'Cause I'll be laughing my head off
when he's burning in hell
But I ain't never punched a tourist
even though he deserved it
An Amish with a 'tude?
You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons, but I got a cool hat
And my homeys agree
I really look good in black... fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we ain't really quaint,
so please don't point and stare
We're just technologically impaired
There's no phone, no lights, no motorcar
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Caruso
It's as primitive as can be
We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish Paradise
Hitchin' up the buggy, churnin' lots of butter
Raise a barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anutter
Think you're really righteous?
Think you're pure in heart?
Well, I know I'm a million times
as humble as thou art
I'm the pious guy the little Amlettes wanna be like
On my knees day and night
scorin' points for the afterlife
So don't be vain and don't be whiny
Or else, my brother, I might have to get
medieval on your heinie
We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Mennonites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise
Ah oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Ah oh oh oh, oh oh YECCH!
Everything You Know Is Wrong
----------------------------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
with a rabid wolverine in my underwear
when suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?
Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"
I probably would have kept on guessing
but about that time we crashed into the truck
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
I was walkin' to the kitchen
for some Golden Grahams
when I accidentally stepped
into an alternate dimension
and soon I was abducted by
some aliens from space
who kinda looked like Jamie Farr
They sucked out my internal organs
and they took some polaroids and said I was
a darn good sport
and as a way of saying thank you
they offered to transport me back to any
point in history that I would care to go
And so I had them send me back to last
Thursday night
so I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating disembodied head of
Colonel Sanders started yelling
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
when I got a nasty papercut
and, well, to make a long story short
it got infected and I died
so now I'm up in heaven with St. Peter by
the pearly gates
and it's obvious he doesn't like the
Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
He tells me that they've got a dress code
Well, he lets me into heaven anyway
but I get the room next to the noisy ice machine
for all eternity
and every day he runs by screaming
Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
Doesn't really matter anymore because the
simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
Everything you know is wrong
Cavity Search
-------------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
(parody of U2's "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me")
Listenin' to the Muzak
Hearin' people scream
Sittin' in the waiting room
Readin' crappy magazines
With a toothache
This is it, pal
Root canal
My molars are impacted
I'm gettin' gum disease
I'm gonna need some fillings
Got twelve cavities
Can you help me
Have mercy
Doctor, please
My teeth are a fright
Got a huge overbite
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me
You jab at my nerve endings
It's driving me insane
just give me nitrous oxide
Shoot me up with novocaine
Help me out here
'Cause I'm in severe
Pain
Please stop for a bit
Now let me rinse and spit
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me
You validate my parking
I think that I'm okay
But you make one more appointment for
A week from Saturday
'Cause you came upon
A little problem on
My x-ray
Oy vey!
It's getting absurd
Well, I hope I'm insured, now
Numb me, drill me
Floss me, bill me
Callin' In Sick
---------------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Hit my snooze alarm for the 27th time
just don't feel like goin' to work -
I think I'll call my boss, then I'm
Gonna hack and cough and wheeze
Swear I got some strange disease
What's that little twerp gonna say?
Hey
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
I could shine my pennies or clean my lava lamp
I could spend all day in my underwear
watching "Ernest Goes To Camp"
I could sit and count my hair
I could burp my Tupperware
I'm not busy now anyway
Hey
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't goin' to work, no way
Callin' in sick today
I can do anything I want to
I am invincible now
I'm on fire, baby
I'm alive, I'm alive, can you hear me, world?
I'm alive!
Maybe I'll spend all day staring at the sun
and trying not to squint
Maybe I'll make a huge color tapestry from
my belly button lint
When I'm sick of takin' abuse
I just make up some lame excuse
Freedom's just seven digits away
Hey
I'm callin' in sick today
Callin' in sick today
Ain't goin' to work, no way
Callin' in sick today
Alternative Polka
-----------------
Medley arranged by "Weird Al" Yankovic
["Loser" by Beck]
Soy un perdidor
I'm a loser, baby,
So why don't you kill me?
Soy un perdidor
I'm a loser, baby,
So why don't you kill me?
Hey!
["Sex Type Thing" by Stone Temple Pilots]
I am I am I am
I said I wanna get next to you.
I said I'm gonna get close to you.
You wouldn't want me have to hurt you, too.
Hurt you, too.
I know you want what's on my mind.
I know you like what's on my mind.
I know it eats you up inside.
I know you know, you know, you know.
Here I come I come I come I come.
Here I come I come I come.
["All I Want To Do" by Sheryl Crow]
All I wanna do is have some fun.
I gotta feeling I'm not the only one.
All I wanna do is have some fun.
I gotta feeling I'm not the only one.
All I wanna do is have some fun.
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard.
["Closer" by NIN]
Help me--I broke apart my insides.
Help me--I've got no soul to sell.
Help me--The only thing that works for me.
Help me get away from myself.
I wanna *poink* you like an animal.
I wanna feel you from the inside.
I wanna *boing* you like an animal.
My whole existence is flawed.
You get me closer to God.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
["Bang and Blame" by REM]
You bang bang bang bang bang.
Blame blame blame.
You bang bang bang bang bang.
It's not my thing so let it go.
["You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morisette]
'Cause the love that you gave every day wasn't able
to make it enough for you to be open wide
No!
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died?
'Til you died.
Well you're still alive!
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away.
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me.
You-ou-ou-ou-ou oughta know!
Hey!
["Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by Smashing Pumpkins]
Despite all my rage,
I am still just a rat in a cage!
Despite all my rage,
I am still just a rat in a cage!
And someone will say
What is lost can never be saved.
Despite all my rage,
I am still just a rat in a cage!
["My Friends" by Red Hot Chili Peppers]
I love all of you
Hurt by the cold.
So hard and lonely, too
When you don't know yourself.
["I'll Stick Around" by Foo Fighters]
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
I don't owe you anything!
["Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden]
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain?
Black Hole Sun
Won't you come, won't you come
Black Hole Sun, Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
Black Hole Sun, Black Hole Sun
Won't you come
Black Hole Sun, Black Hole Sun
["Basket Case" by Green Day]
Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one those melodramatic fools.
Neurotic to the bone,
No doubt about it.
Sometimes I give myself the creeps!
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me!
It all keeps adding up.
I think I'm cracking up.
And am I just paranoid
Or am I just stoned?
Or am I just stoned-oh-oh-oh-oh-ned?
Hey!
Since You've Been Gone
----------------------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Since you've been gone
Well I feel like I've been chewing on tinfoil
Since you've been gone
It's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Well, I'm feeling like I stuck my hand
Inside a blender and turned it on
You know I've been in a buttload of pain
Since you've been gone
(Since you've been gone)
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped
A two-ton bowling ball on my toes
(Since you've been gone)
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved
A red hot cactus up my nose
Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting
tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I got an ice cream headache
that won't go away
Ever since the day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did
When you were still here
Gump
----
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
parody of "Lump" by The Presidents of the USA
Gump sat alone on a bench in the park.
"My name is Forrest," he'd casually remark.
Waitin' for the bus with his hands in his pockets,
He just kept sayin' life is like a box of chocolates
He's Gump, He's Gump
What's in his head?
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
Is he in-bred?
Gump was a big celebrity.
He told JFK that he really had to pee.
He never feels too dumb because
His mom always told him stupid is as stupid does
He's Gump, He's Gump
He's kinda square.
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
What's with that hair?
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... run... run like the wind now
Run... run... run, run, now Forrest
Run... stop!
His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man
His friend with no legs he'd call Lieutenant Dan
His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut
He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt
He's Gump, He's Gump
He's not too bright
He's Gump, He's Gump, He's Gump
But he's all right
Is this Gump out of his head?
I think so
Is this Gump really brain-dead?
I think so
Did this Gump make lots of bread?
I think so
And that's all I have to say about that
I'm So Sick Of You
------------------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
You tell a joke and forget the punchline
Why you always wastin' my time?
Hey baby, trust me, you just disgust me
Your hair's a mess and your make-up's crusty
I don't know too many females
Who make a habit of biting their toenails
Wo, every time you call, you drive me up the wall
Honey, just the sight of you makes my flesh crawl
I'm sure we'd be happy together
If only one little thing weren't true
Oh baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
You drink the milk right from the carton
What are you, in kindergarten?
You're belchin' everywhere, foulin' up the air
Then you use my razor to shave your back hair
You don't have an ounce of class
You're just one big pain in the neck
How much more can I take now,
give me a break now
You even snore when you're wide awake now
You tell all your friends we're the perfect couple
Well, maybe you should get a clue
'Cause baby, I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Baby, you're so nauseatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
And when you softly call my name
It's like I'm listenin' to a squeaky chalk sound
And when you look at me that special way
It's hard for me to keep my lunch down
And when you ask me what I'm thinkin'
honey, usually I'm thinkin'
how I'd really like to tie your head
completely up in duct tape
so I wouldn't have to listen to you
asking me those stupid questions
over and over again
Well, that disgusting noise you make
when you laugh
gives me a throbbing migraine
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
Until you came along I never dated anyone
this low on the food chain
(Can't stand you, I just can't stand you)
You've got inhuman body odor
You've got the hair of a boxing promoter
Yeah, your teeth are all yellow,
your butt's made of Jell-O
You wake up in a puddle,
droolin' on your pillow
I hate the way you crack your knuckles
I hate your whiny loser girlfriends too
But mostly I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Really now, you're aggravatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Not to mention irritatin'
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
Well, now won't you give my best regards to Satan
I yi yi yi yi
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
I'm so sick of you
You make me sick
Syndicated Inc.
---------------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
parody of "Misery" by Soul Asylum
My whole family
Loves "Three's Company"
See the reruns constantly
There on my TV
Syndicated Incorporated
Well, I know what's on the tube
I know just what to see
Got my TV Guide with me
"MASH" and "All in The Family"
"The Munsters" and "Mayberry R.F.D."
I will always be busy
Watching my TV
Oprah Winfrey talks to me
Every day at three
Then soon it'll be
"Wheel" and "Jeopardy"
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
Well, I'm in such ecstasy
When I'm watchin' TV
I'm a boob tube devotee
Think I'm losin' my sanity
I'm addicted to Regis & Kathie Lee
Forever I will always be
Glued to my TV
Love "The Partridge Family"
And "Dynasty"
And "Laverne & Shirley"
And "Hard Copy"
Syndicated Incorporated
Syndicated Incorporated
I Remember Larry
----------------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Say, do you remember that guy Larry next door
Well, he always was the neighborhood clown
Like the time he pulled my pants off
and he took those color pictures
And posted copies all over town
Or the time that he dumped toxic waste on my lawn
Or those wacky prank phone calls
from midnight til dawn
What a crazy kid Larry was, always foolin' around
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Say, do you remember when I lost all my hair
'Cause Lar' gave me that Nair shampoo
And hey, how 'bout the day he put Ben Gay
inside my jockstrap
And filled my toothpaste tube up with glue
All those wedgies he gave,
all those shoestrings he tied
All those brownies he made with the Ex-lax inside
O Lar', I swear, it was a laugh a minute with you
Boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
You know I couldn't help but laugh
Even though he treated me like slime
Remember when he cut my car in half?
Well, he really got me good that time!
Say, do you remember
when I broke in Larry's house
Late at night and tied his mouth with a rag
Then I dragged him by his ankles
to the middle of the forest
And stuffed him in a big plastic bag
If the cops ever find him,
who knows what they'd say
But I'm sure if ol' Lar' were still with us today
He would have to agree with me
it was a pretty good gag
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
Oh boy, what a joker
What a funny, funny guy
I'll never forget about Larry
No matter how I try
No matter how I try
Oh, I remember Larry.
[.sdnah ruoy no emit eerf fo tol lufwa na evah tsum uoy, woW]
Phony Calls
-----------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
parody of "Waterfalls" by TLC
Mom and Dad are goin' out for the evening
And you're stuck inside the house all alone
That's when you decide
it might be fun to harrass someone
Dial a random number up on your telephone
You ask if their refrigerator is running
Then you tell 'em they should go out and catch it
Buddy, if they ever figured out
where you were callin' 'em from
They'd come and bust your head
right in with a ratchet
Listen to me
Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit
numbers you're used to
I know that you think it's funny
drivin' folks right up the wall
But it's really gettin' old fast
Little Melvin has a natural obsession
Askin' for Prince Albert in a can
He gets a kick each time he makes a collect call
To some guy he doesn't know who lives in Japan
He's callin' strangers up at three in the morning
Gives 'em pizza pie delivery at four
He won't be laughin' when they're tracin' his line
One day the phone police will be there at his door
Yo, hear me
Don't go makin' phony calls
Only dial the seven-digit numbers you're used to
Swear someday I'm gonna yank that
phone cord right out from the wall
How long is this phase gonna last?
Come on
Don't go makin' phony calls
Please stick to the seven-digit
numbers you're used to
You went through the New York City
phone book and prank-called 'em all
Hope that you grow out of this fast
The Night Santa Went Crazy
--------------------------
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Down in the workshop
all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls
and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in,
nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and
cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots
he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said
with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all...
now you're all gonna die!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Well, the workshop is gone now
he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces
of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers
and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph
into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer
with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher
just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower
and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said,
"It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
and everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy
and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs
working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus,
she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They're talkin' 'bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped
Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have
snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have
snapped... in his brain
The Night Santa Went Crazy
--------------------------
alternate version by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Down in the workshop
all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls
and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in,
nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and
cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots
he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk
disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said
with a twinkle in his eye
"Merry Christmas to all--
now you're all gonna die!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Well, the workshop is gone now
he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces
of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers
and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph
into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer
with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher
just like Freddie Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower
and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said,
"It tastes just like chicken!"
The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts
There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
and helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
and everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy
Yes, Virginia, now Santa Claus is dead
Some guy from the S.W.A.T. team
blew a hole through his head
Yes, little friend now
He has his brains on the floor
Guess you won't have the fat guy
to kick around anymore
Well now there's no more presents
for the children's enjoyment
And the elves gotta stand in line
to file for unemployment
And they say Mrs. Claus
she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights
They're talkin' bout--the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped
Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have
snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have
snapped... in his brain
