Yankovic!

Yankovic! : Published Lyrics : Running With Scissors



The Saga Begins --------------- Lyrical adaption of 'American Pie' by Don McLean Music Corporation of America, Inc./Benny Bird Music (BMI) (Administered by Copyright Management, Inc.) New lyrics by Al Yankovic With Special Thanks to George Lucas A long long time ago in a galaxy far away Naboo was under an attack And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn Could talk the Federation into Maybe cutting them a little slack But their response, it didn't thrill us They locked the doors and tried to kill us We escaped from that gas Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass We took a bongo from the scene And we went to Theed to see the queen We all wound up on Tatooine That's where we found this boy... Oh my my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" Did you know this junkyard slave Isn't even old enough to shave But he can use the Force they say Ahh, do you see him hitting on the queen Though he's just nine and she's fourteen Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday Well, I know he built C-3PO And I've heard how fast his pod can go And we were broke, it's true So we made a wager or two He was a prepubescent flyin' ace And the minute Jabba started off that race Well, I know who would win first place Oh yes, it was our boy We started singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" Now we finally got to Coruscant The Jedi Council we knew would want To see how good the boy could be So we took him there and we told the tale How his midi-chlorians were off the scale And he might fulfill that prophecy Oh, the Council was impressed, of course Could he bring balance to the Force? They interviewed the kid Oh, training they forbid Because Yoda sensed in him much fear And Qui-Gon said, "Now listen here Just stick it in your pointy ear I still will teach this boy" He was singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" We caught a ride back to Naboo 'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to I frankly would've liked to stay We all fought in that epic war And it wasn't long at all before Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day And in the end some Gungans died Some ships blew up and some pilots fried A lot of folks were croakin' The battle droids were broken And the Jedi I admire most Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost I guess I'll train this boy And I was singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi" We were singin'... My my, this here Anakin guy May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
My Baby's In Love With Eddie Vedder ----------------------------------- by Al Yankovic Oh, my baby, my baby she don't want me no more Ever since she saw his poster in that record store She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy She thinks he's so darn dysfunctional and Generation X-y She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare Yeah, he's her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her 'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder Now, every time I see him, well, he looks so grim I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him What a pain in the butt to have so much success Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor Like he's some bit tortured genius and I'm some kinda wiener Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder She's got a thing for that Eddie Vedder Tell me, what can he do that I can't do better? Now my baby's in love with-- I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder Head over heels for that Eddie Vedder I can't believe it, now she's knitting him a sweater 'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder I knew we were headin' for disaster When she caught me hangin' out at the Ticketmaster Now she's got an unrequited adoration For the frustrated, agitated, designated alienated spokesman for the disaffected grunge generation Well, I don't wear Doc Martens and I don't wear flannel And I don't boycott the music video channel And I just can't compete with all that money and fame But I know two can play at this kinda game Yeah, well, let's just see how jealous she'll get When I start stalking Alanis Morissette Well, my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder She's all crazy 'bout that Eddie Vedder Once she was mine but now I better just forget her 'Cause my baby's in love with-- I said I said I said my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder Why'd she have to fall for that Eddie Vedder? If she wants to leave me, I guess I better let her 'Cause my baby's in love with Eddie Vedder
Pretty Fly For A Rabbi ---------------------- Parody of "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" by The Offspring New Lyrics by Al Yankovic Veren zol fun dir a blintsa (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho Our temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past But most of'em were nudniks and none of'em would last But our new guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick I tell ya, he's to die for - he really knows his shtick So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew? Reads the Torah, does his own accounting too Workin' like a dog at the synagogue He's there all day, he's there all day Just say "Vay iz mir!" and he'll kick into gear He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer Just grab your yarmulka and Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi) He shops at discount stores, not just any will suffice He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal! People used to scoff, now they say "Mazel tov!" He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off Yeah, he keeps his cool and teaches shul What's not to like? What's not to like? On high holy days, you know he prays and prays And he never eats pastrami on white bread with mayonnaise Put on your yarmulka and Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing! When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhhhhip The parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! (How ya doin', Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey! Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho He's doin' well, I gotta kvell The yentas love him, even shicksas think he's swell Show up at his home, he says, "Shalom!" And "Have some cake-You want some cake?" Yeah he calls the shots, we really love him lots Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz! So grab your yarmulka-- The one you got for Chanukah-- Let's put on our yarmulkas and-- Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
The Weird Al Show Theme ----------------------- Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal But the sanitation workers really didn't approve So he packed up his accordion and had to move To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory And he played on the company bowling team And every single night he had a strange, recurring dream Where he was wearing lederhosen in a vat of sour cream But that's really not important to the story Well, the very next year he met a dental hygenist With a spatula tattoed on her arm (on her arm) But he didn't keep in touch, then he lost her number Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm And he spent his life savings on a split-level cave 20 miles below the surface of the Earth (of the Earth) And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich For what it's worth Then one day Al was in the forest, trying to get a tan When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free And the guy that he rescued was grateful as can be And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV So he gave Al a contract and what do you know? Now he's got his very own Weird Al Show!
Jerry Springer -------------- Parody of "One Week" by Bare Naked Ladies New lyrics by "Weird Al" Yankovic It's been one week since we got to see Cheatin' lovers and cousins that marry Five days since they had the show With the hermaphrodite, the slut and the crack ho Three days since we heard the tale About the guy who learned his woman was a she-male Yesterday it occurred to me That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer Holy cow, d'you see it last week? Well, they had this one freak Who sucker-punched his whole family Do you recall when the brawl Became a total free-for-all? And Jerry's in the middle tryin' to be the referee Hey, see the stripper with the implants? She likes to lap dance And date the boyfriend of her mother Now here comes Jerry's next guest And it's a slugfest 'Cause it's her trailer trash brother Nymphomaniac is back on crack It's like "When Animals Attack" They all exhibit reprehensible behavior Hit'em in the nose, tear off their clothes Step on their toes, that's how it goes They get so violent they have to sign a waiver They're always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt and pointin' blame On the air? They don't care, they've got no shame There was one guy who I'm sure felt a little strange When he found out that his wife had a sex change They have a tendency to scream and yell constantly They have a history of ripping off their shirts It's been one week since they had the fight With the Siamese twins and the transvestite Five days since that awful brawl They still haven't got the blood off the wall It's been three days since the bitter feud Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black dude Yesterday, finally dawned on me I'm spendin' way too much time on that Jerry Springer male Springer guest: Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister. female Springer guest: Oh, which one? male Springer guest: All of 'em. female Springer guest: Ah, well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake. male Springer guest: Yeah? W-Well, me too! And, I've been sleepin' with your dog Woofie! female Springer guest: Woofie, you b*tch! Well I'm also sleepin' with your pet goat! male Springer guest: That goat doesn't love you! Once you start watchin', there's just no stoppin' Your brain shuts down, then your IQ's droppin' Jerry's the king of confrontation He's a sensation He puts the 'sin' in syndication It's totally worthless, like a bad check It's like a train wreck Don't wanna stare, but you can't look away Like Sally Jesse he does talk shows But with more weirdos The ratings jumpin' higher every day If you've seen the show, well then you know It's just as low as you can go The guests are tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene And pretty soon some ugly goon Comes in the room and then it's BOOM In the face of some unsuspecting drag queen Well, it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities Yankin' hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies "Jerry! Jerry!" Now the crowd starts their favorite chant Should I turn off my TV? I just can't I have a tendency to watch it religiously I have a history of taping each one It's been one week since the show about Psycho killers with problems they should work out Five days since the big surprise When some loser's wife said that she's still dating twenty guys Three days since he interviewed A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who were all nude Yesterday, it occurred to me That I've been watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer Tired of wastin' my time on that Jerry Springer I've got way too much class to watch Jerry Springer Come over here and pull on my finger
Germs ----- by Al Yankovic Sometimes I really want to be alone But that's one state I'm never in Because I know that I've got millions upon millions Of tiny, one-celled organisms living on my skin (Germs) I rub and scrub until my flesh is raw and bleeding (Germs) But they just come right back again (Germs) I can't even see'em, but I know they're up to something Hey, don't touch that - you don't know where it's been! They're all over me They're inside of me Can't get'em offa me I'm covered with... microscopic bacteria What do they want from me What'll they do to me? There's no escape for me I'm crawling with... microscopic bacteria Now if I ever dare to go to sleep That's when they start their sneak attack In the morning I wake up in utter horror To find my teeth are covered with bacterial plaque (Germs) Can't get those parasitic creatures off my face (Germs) And there's more comin' every day (Germs) I never said that they could camp out on my body I wish they'd pack their tiny little bags and move away They're all over me They're inside of me Can't get'em offa me I'm covered with... microscopic bacteria What do they want from me What'll they do to me? There's no escape for me I'm crawling with... microscopic bacteria They're creepin' around my shorts They're under the bathroom sink They're ridin' inside my car They're swimmin' in every drink They're hidin' between my toes They're lurkin' in every kiss I got'em way up my nose In every orifice I'm gonna show them who's boss I'm gonna get even yet Just gimme some Lysol spray Just hand me a moist towelette Don't tell me I'm paranoid I know that they're after me Look under the microscope See?? They're all over me They're inside of me Can't get'em offa me I'm covered with... microscopic bacteria What do they want from me What'll they do to me? There's no escape for me I'm crawling with... microscopic bacteria They're all over me I can feel'em all over me Over every part of me Microscopic bacteria I know they're watching me They're always watching me They're coming after me Microscopic bacteria Won't somebody help me Please sombody help me You've got to believe me They're out to get me They wanna control me They wanna destroy me They're tryin' to kill me It kind of upsets me
Polka Power! ------------ Medley Arranged by "Weird Al" Yankovic ["Wannabe" by Spice Girls] Yeah, well, I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want (So tell us what ya want, what ya really really want) I'll tell ya what I want, what I really really want (So tell us what ya want, what ya really really want) I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha, I wanna ha I wanna really, really, really, wanna zigga zigga, ah! If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends Make it last forever, friendship never ends If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is. Hey! ["Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger] I'm not sick, but I'm not well. And I'm so hot, 'cause I'm in hell. I'm not sick, but I'm not well. And it's a sin to live so well. ["Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are)" by Pras Michel w/ Ol' Dirty Bastard & Mya] Ghetto superstar, that is what you are, Coming from afar, reaching for the stars. Run away with me, to another place We can rely on each other, uh huh From one corner to another, uh huh ["Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" by Backstreet Boys] Everybody (yeah) Rock your body (yeah) Everybody Rock your body right. Backstreet's back, all right! All right! ["Walkin' On The Sun" by Smash Mouth] So don't delay, act now, supplies are running out But now, if you're still alive, six to eight years to arrive And if you follow, there may be a tomorrow But if the offer's shun, you might as well be walking on the sun Might as well be walking on the sun! ["Intergalactic" by Beastie Boys] Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic Intergalactic planetary, planetary intergalactic ["Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba] I get knocked down, but I get up again, You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down, but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down ["Ray Of Light" by Madonna] Quicker than a ray of light Quicker than a ray of light Quicker than a ray of li-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ight ["Push" by Matchbox 20] I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will I wanna take you for granted I wanna take you for granted Yeah, yeah, well I will ["Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind] I want something else To get me through this semi-charmed kinda life, baby baby I want something else I'm not listening when you say good-bye. Doot doot doot, doot do doot do Doot doot doot, doot do doot do Doot doot doot, doot do doot do Do do do, do do doot ["The Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson] There's lots of pretty, pretty ones That want to get you high But all the pretty, pretty ones Will leave you low and blow your mind We're all stars now in the dope show We're all stars now in the dope show ["Mmmbop" by Hanson] Mmmbop, do floppa do wop Do be dop ah Do wap, do zap ah, do Yeah-ee yeah Mmmbop, do b'zap ah, do wop Do be dop ah Do wop, doom zap ah, do ["Sex And Candy" by Marcy Playground] I smell sex and candy here Who's that lounging in my chair? Who's that casting devious stares in my direction? Mama, this surely is a dream Yeah, yeah mama, this surely is a dream Dig it, yeah mama, this surely is... ["Closing Time" by Semisonic] Closing time One last call for alcohol So finish your whiskey or beer Closing time You don't have to go home But you can't stay here I know who I wanna take me home I know who I wanna take me home I know who I wanna take me home Take us home. ["Way Moby Polka" by Al Yankovic] 'Cause it's closing time! (Yeah it's closing time) (We're talkin' 'bout closin' time) (It's really closin' time) (Hey!)
Your Horoscope For Today ------------------------ by Al Yankovic AQUARIUS! There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A- Mole 17 hours a day PISCES! Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say ARIES! The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep TAURUS! You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today GEMINI! Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest CANCER! The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test LEO! Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik VIRGO! All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true. Where was I? LIBRA! A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week SCORPIO! Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak SAGITTARIUS! All your friends are laughing behind your back... kill them Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den CAPRICORN! The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person... but you know they're lying If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today That's your horoscope for today
It's All About The Pentiums --------------------------- Parody of "It's All About The Benjamins" by Sean "Puffy" Combs New lyrics by "Weird Al" Yankovic It's all about the Pentiums, baby Uhh, uh-huh, yeah Uhh, uh-huh, yeah It's all about the Pentiums, baby It's all about the Pentiums, baby It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! (Yeah!!) What y'all wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? 9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard? Workin' at a desk with a dumb little placard? Yeah, payin' the bills with my mad programming skills Defraggin' my hard drive for thrills I got me a hundred gigabytes of RAM I never feed trolls and I don't read spam Installed a T1 line in my house Always at my PC, double-clickin' on my mizouse Upgrade my system at least twice a day I'm strictly plug-and-play, I ain't afraid of Y2K I'm down with Bill Gates, I call him Money for short I phone him up at home and I make him do my tech support It's all about the Pentiums, what? You gotta be the dumbest newbie I've ever seen You've got white-out all over your screen You think your Commodore 64 is really neato What kinda chip you got in there, a Dorito? You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half? You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette You're the biggest joke on the Internet Your database is a disaster You're waxin' your modem, tryin' to make it go faster Hey fella, I bet you're still livin' in your parents' cellar Downloadin' pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar And postin' "Me too!" like some brain-dead AOL-er I should do the world a favor and cap you like Old Yeller You're just about as useless as jpegs to Helen Keller It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! Now, what y'all wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? 9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard? Uh, uh, loggin' in now Wanna run wit my crew, hah? Rule cyberspace and crunch numbers like I do? They call me the king of the spreadsheets Got'em all printed out on my bedsheets My new computer's got the clocks, it rocks But it was obsolete before I opened the box You say you've had your desktop for over a week? Throw that junk away, man, it's an antique! Your laptop is a month old? Well, that's great If you could use a nice, heavy paperweight My digital media is write-protected Every file inspected, no viruses detected I beta tested every operating system Gave props to some, and others? I dissed'em While your computer's crashin', mine's multitaskin' It does all my work without me even askin' Got a flat-screen monitor, 40" wide I believe that yours says, "Etch-A-Sketch" on the side In a 32-bit world, you're a 2-bit user You've got your own newsgroup, alt.total-loser Your motherboard melts when you try to send a fax Where'd you get your CPU, in a box of Cracker Jacks? Play me online? Well, you know that I'll beat you If I ever meet you I'll control-alt-delete you What? It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! It's all about the Pentiums! What y'all wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code crackers? Slackers Wastin' time with all the chatroom yakkers? 9 to 5, chillin' at Hewlett Packard? What?
Truck Drivin' Song ------------------ by Al Yankovic I'm drivin' a truck Drivin' a big ol' truck Pedal to the metal, hope I don't run out of luck Rollin' down the highway until the break of dawn Drivin' a truck with my high heels on My diesel rig is northward bound It's time to put that hammer down Just watchin' as the miles go flyin' by I'm ridin' twenty tons of steel But it's sure hard to hold the wheel While I'm still waiting for my nails to dry Oh, I always gotta check my lipstick in that rear view mirror And my pink angora sweater fits so tight I'm jammin' gears and haulin' freight Well, I sure hope my seams are straight Lord, don't let my mascara run tonight Because I'm drivin' a truck Drivin' a big ol' truck Smokey's on my tail and my accelerator's stuck Got these eighteen wheels a-rollin until the break of dawn Drivin' a truck with my high heels on Oh, I don't mind when my crotchless panties creep right up on me And my nipple rings don't bother me too much But when I hit those big speed bumps My darling little rhinestone pumps Keep slippin' off the mother-lovin' clutch But still I'm drivin' a truck Drivin' a big ol' truck Headin' down the interstate, just tryin' to make buck Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon While I'm drivin' a truck with my high heels on I'm drivin' a truck Drivin' a truck Got a load to carry and some eyebrows left to pluck And I'm late for my appointment down at the hair salon So I'll be drivin' a truck with my high heels on
Grapefruit Diet --------------- Parody of "Zoot Suit Riot" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies New lyrics by "Weird Al" Yankovic Who's that waddlin' down the street? It's just me, 'cause I love to eat Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham Who's real flabby? Yes, I am! Every picture of me's Gotta be an aerial view Now my doctor tells me There's just one thing left to do-- Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Throw out the pizza and beer Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Might seem a little severe Grapefruit Diet (Diet) I'm gettin' tired of my big fat rear Blow, fatty! Well, I used to live on chocolate sauce Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss Walked down an alley and I got stuck I got more rolls than a pastry truck When I'm all done eating I eat a little more When I leave a room First I gotta grease the door Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Can't have another eclair Grapefruit Diet (Diet) I gotta decrease my derriere I'm on a Grapefruit Diet I'm on a Grapefruit Diet I'm on a Grapefruit Diet No more pie now No more creme brulee Lay off the gravy And souffle No french fri-yi-yies now No ice cream parfait Mr. Cheese Nacho Stay away Oh, I think I'd sell my soul For a triple patty melt But I need a boomerang When I put on my belt Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Lay off the 3 Musketeers Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Until my big booty disappears Grapefruit Diet (Diet) Eat'em till they're comin' out of my ears Grapefruit Diet (Diet) 'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years I'm on a Grapefruit Diet I'm on a Grapefruit Diet I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
Albuquerque ----------- by "Weird Al" Yankovic Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy!!! Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut! Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy. I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah! Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket... to Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why? 'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean. Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be? I say, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything. So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut, and only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right. So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me." And he's like, "Tough!" And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me!" And I'm like, "'kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell ya what it said! It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator." In Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??" I said, "You got any glazed donuts?" He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts." I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts." I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts." I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!" I said, "You got any apple fritters?" He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!" I said, "You got any bear claws?" He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check." "No, we're outta bear claws!" I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?" He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels." I said, "OK, I'll take that." So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over. Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this: DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah, AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh! I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married, and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, aw yeah. But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up, and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things go... in Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude. OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes, and goes, "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did. And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about? Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is... I HATE SAUERKRAUT! That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a little place called Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!) I said A! (A!) L! (L!) B! (B!) U! (U!) querque! (querque!) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) (Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque) Al...buquerque! *burp* heh heh heh heh

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