Couch Potato

(Parody of "Lose Yourself" by Eminem)
Look... If you had one shot
to sit on your lazy butt
and watch all the tv you ever wanted
until your brain turned to mush,
Would you go for it?  Or just let it slip?  Yo!

Remote is ready, eyes wide, palms are sweaty
The Flintstone's on the TV already
Wilma and Betty
No virgin to channel surfin
And I'm HD ready
So I flip, garbage is all I'm getting
There's Simon Cowell
Who folks wanna disembowel
He opens his mouth, always says something foul
They're dying, Wow!
Wannabe's are crying now
He votes them out
Time to throw in the towel

Show's based on reality
Oh the humanity!
Oh! Ozzy's family!
Sho' loves profanity!
Whoa! The insanity!
Oh! Dogs that crap and pee
Home of depravity?
No! They live happily

Yo! Plus "Da Ali G Show"
And "Celebrity Mole"
Oh there's Anna Nicole
She's scaring me
Look ma, no cavities!
Oh! It's a station break
Better go out to the kitchen and microwave something

You're gonna lose your mind watchin tv they told me
They scold me, but I still tune in every show
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV Land and HBO
The Travel Channel, Discovery, and Lifetime 

(You're gonna) lose your mind watchin' TV they told me
Cajoled me, "Turn off those music videos!"
Gonna watch C-SPAN TV Land and HBO
The History Channel and QVC and Lifetime

My butt is aching as I watch NASCAR racing
That show about undertaking
Larry King to "24" to "Law and Order"
The Weather Channel's boring like 60 Minutes
Ancient reporters next up on "E True Hollywood Story"
The rise and decline of twelve actors named Corey

Shows for next fall, they've already been naming
"CSI: Boise", and "Touched By An Uncle", both sound prettying lame, man
so does "Everybody Tolerates Raymond"
and "King of Queens" jumped the shark the first minute
I can't believe Richard Simmons ain't in it.

I move right on to "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenaged Daughter"
Then I bet I watch "The Bachelorette"
Followed by "Welcome Back, Kotter"
And "The Muppet Show" where they go "Mahna Mahna"

You're gonna lose your mind watching TV they told me 
They scold me but I still tune in every show
My cable gets C-SPAN, TV Land and HBO
The Disney Channel, and A&E and Lifetime

(You're gonna) lose your mind watching TV they told me
Cajoled me, but I still love Lisa Kudrow
I'm looking at C-SPAN, TV Land and HBO
The Playboy Channel and Court TV and Lifetime

Never missed "Melrose Place" or "Lost in Space"
I've seen each "Amazing Race" and "Without a Trace"
But I only watched "Will and Grace" one time one day
Wished I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay

Oh and "Fear Factor" I watched maybe a half hour
After that felt like I needed a long shower
Network execs with naked ambition
Next week on FOX, watch lions eat christians

Like to tie up those programming planners
Make'em watch all of that junk 'til their heads explode just like "Scanners"
Leech covered grub eatin' fools on Survivor
Look there's James Lipton discussing the oeuvre of Mr. Rob Schneider

And there's Gilligan and SpongeBob plus there's MacGyver
And Jay Leno has got Madonna and hey there's Luke Perry
And a special all pig-latin episode of "Drew Carey"

Wanna turn on ET cause I'm a gossip freak
And I gotta know who J. Lo is marryin' this week
A 30 second spot then we go back to "Are You Hot?"
I was planning on recording "The Sopranos".  I forgot!
I love shows with or without a plot
I stare 'til my legs are numb, my eyes bloodshot
Because I only have got one brain to rot
I'm gonna spend my life watching television a lot

(You're gonna) lose your mind watching TV they told me
They scold me, but I still tune into every show
My cable's gets C-SPAN, TV-Land, and HBO
The Sci-Fi Channel and AMC and Lifetime

(You're gonna) lose your mind watching TV they told me
Cajoled me, "Turn off that Oprah Winfrey show!"
I got it on C-SPAN, TV Land and HBO
The Learning Channel and MTV and Lifetime

You can watch anything you want to, man.