Yankovic!

Yankovic! : Published Lyrics : Alpocalypse

(some lyrics mirrored from the Weird Al Wiki)

Perform This Way ---------------- (Parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way") My mama told me when I was hatched Act like a superstar Save your allowance, buy a bubble dress And someday you will go far Now on red carpets, well, I'm hard to miss The press follows everywhere I go I'll poke your eye out with a dress like this Back off and enjoy the show! I'm sure my critics will say it's a grotesque display Well, they can bite me, baby -- I perform this way I might be wearin' Swiss cheese or maybe covered with bees It doesn't mean I'm crazy -- I perform this way Ooo, my little monsters pay... lots 'cause I perform this way Baby, I perform this way Ooo, don't worry, I'm okay... hey, I just perform this way I'm not crazy, I perform this way I'll be a troll or evil queen I'll be a human jelly bean 'Cause every day is Halloween For me... I'm so completely original My new look is all the rage I'll wrap my small intestines 'round my neck And set fire to myself on stage I'll wear a porcupine on my head On a W-H-I-M And for no reason now I'll sing in French Excusez-moi, Qui a p (Who cut the cheese?) Got my straight jacket today, it's made of gold lam o, not because I'm crazy - I perform this way I strap prime rib to my feet, cover myself with raw meat I'll bet you've never seen a skirt steak worn this way Don't be offended when you see My latest pop monstrosity I'm strange, weird, shocking, odd, bizarre I'm Frankenstein, I'm Avatar There's nothing too embarrassing I'll honestly do anything But wear white after Labor Day 'Cause baby, I perform this way Hope you won't think it's clichif I go nude today Don't call the cops now, baby, I perform this way No reason I should regret all the attention I get I'm not completely crazy, I perform this way, yeah I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey I'm always deviating from the norm this way-hey I perform this way-hey, I perform this way-hey I'm really not insane -- I just perform this way-hey
CNR --- Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man The kind of man you'd never disrespect He stood 8 foot tall, wore glasses And he had a third nipple on the back of his neck He ate his own weight in coal And excreted diamonds every day He could throw you down a flight of stairs But you still would love him anyway Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France With two flat tires and a missin' chain He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry I'm tellin' you the man was insane He could rip out your beatin' heart And show it to you right before you died Every day he'd make the host of Match Game Give him a piggyback ride Yeah, a two-hour piggyback ride Giddyup, Gene! Ninja warrior, master of disguise He could melt your brain with his laser beam eyes Oh yeah Oh yeah He had his very own line at the DMV He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee Oh yeah Oh yeah, that was somethin' to see, I tell ya Charles Nelson Reilly sold his toenail clippings as a potent aphrodisiac He ran a four minute mile blindfolded with an engine block strapped to his back He could eat more frozen waffles than any other man I know Once he fell off the Chrysler building and he barely even stubbed his toe Had a tiny little scratch on his toe Didn't even hurt Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion But he never ever told a soul I've seen the man unhinge his jaw And swallow a Volkswagen whole He'd bash your face in with a shovel If you didn't treat him like a star 'Cause you can spit in the wind or tug on Superman's cape But Lord knows you just don't mess around with CNR No no no Talkin' bout CNR Ohh
TMZ --- (Parody of Taylor Swift's "You Belong To Me") You're sort of famous, A minor celebrity, And so it only makes sense The world would be Obsessed with every single thing You do They're running 'round With their camcorders in the night, They're lurking patiently and Hopin' that they just might See something real embarrassing You do The bad hair day and sweat-stained T-shirt, That's the story that they're gonna feature With exclusive pics of your flabby behind, You think you're all alone But that's right when you'll find... A bunch of paparazzi poppin' outta nowhere, Cameras in your face And then suddenly-y-yy You're TMZ-e-ee You're on TMZ Following you when You're walking down the street And askin' stupid questions While you're tryin' to eat So you cover your face thinking to yourself: "Hey, isn't this creepy?" And they're out there praying You'll have a big meltdown And take 'em on a little Car chase through this whole town They'll be there with you when you're going to jail, First on the scene for every wardrobe fail You just picked up some transvestite, Seconds later, it's up on the website Get a Vegas wedding, a quickie divorce, And they'll be sneaking in, snappin' pictures of course And if they ever catch you pickin' your nose or Stumblin' down the street on a drunken spree-e-ee You're on TMZ-ee Stalkin' you, just waiting by your front door Trailin' you through airport security-y-yy, They're with TMZ They're with TMZ (Spoken) "We caught this Oscar nominee...picking up dog poo!" "Is that a baby bump?" "I pronounce her guilty...of leaving the house while fat!" "Look who's drinking coffee!!" "Everything celebrities do is fascinating!" Oh, lemme tell ya it's Gettin' to the point where A famous person can't Even get a DUI, or go on a racist rant Those guys are all around So you really shouldn't dare Goin' to every club in town If you've lost your underwear... Seems that every single time a star decides to Shave their head or ram their car into a tree-e-ee, They're on TMZ-e-ee If they catch you peein' in the bushes, Later on that night, well I guarantee-e-ee You're on TMZ-e-ee You're on TMZ You're on TMZ Every single celebrity-y-yy, Knows they're gonna be-e-ee They're on TMZ
Skipper Dan ----------- I starred in every high school play Blew every drama teacher away I graduated first in my class at Juilliard Took every acting workshop I could And I dreamed of Hollywood While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard Hit the boards and paid my dues And got phenomenal rave reviews I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone But the years have come and gone And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride Skipper Dan is the name And I'm doin' 34 shows every day And every time it's the same Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears Just like they've done for the last 50 years Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside 'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride Oh, the critics, they used to say I was the new Olivier Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDb me The only place you might possibly see me Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland It ain't exactly what I planned But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride Skipper Dan is the name And I'm doin' 34 shows every day And every time it's the same I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow" But what's the difference, that's all behind me now 'Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin' my pride And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride I should be there on Broadway Knockin' 'em dead in "12 Angry Men" But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes Again and again and again and again and again and again and again Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet! That's an African bull elephant... And there it is, the backside of water! What have I done with my life?! I shoulda listened when my grandfather said "Why don't you major in business instead?" Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride Skipper Dan is the name And I'm doin' 34 shows every day And every time it's the same Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears Somebody shoot me 'cause I'm bored to tears Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied 'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
Craigslist ---------- (sung in the style of The Doors) Whoa, yeah! You've got a 65 Chevy Malibu With automatic drive, a custom paint job too I'll trade you for my old wheelbarrow And a slightly-used sombrero And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist Craigslist I'm on Craigslist, baby, come on Yeah Well, we shared a quick glance Saturday at the mall I never took a chance, never approached you at all You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed On Craigslist Yeah, Craigslist, come on I'm on Craigslist, baby Maybe you are too Bee bomp a chonk a donk bim bang boo An open letter to the snotty barista At the Coffee Bean on San Vicente Boulevard: I know there were 20 people behind me in line But I was on a cell phone call with my mother Didn't you see me hold up my index finger? That means I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes So what's with the attitude, lady? No tip for you Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts, you can have em for free You can drop by on the weekend and pick em up from me But the trash can ain't part of the deal Only givin' you the peanuts, get real Don't have no Hefty bags, so bring your own Don't bug me with questions on the phone Don't ask for help, don't waste my time And don't complain, cause they won't cost you a dime Just ask yourself Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts? You can have my Styrofoam peanuts Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts? You can have 'em all They're on Craigslist, yeah Craigslist, oh baby, come on I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist now Craigslist
Party In The CIA ---------------- (Parody of Miley Cyrus's "Party In The USA") I moved out to Langley recently with a plain and simple dream want to infiltrate some third world place and topple their regime those men in black with their matching suitcases where everything's on a need to know basis agents got that swagger everyone's so cloak and dagger I'm feeling nervous but I'm really kinda wishing for an undercover mission that's when the red alert came on the radio and I put my ear piece on got my dark sunglasses on and I had my weapon drawn so I got my handcuffs my cyanide pills my classified dossier tapping the phones like yeah shredding the files like yeah I memorized all the enemy spies I gotta neutralize today yeah it's a party in the CIA I've done a couple of crazy things that have almost got me dismissed like terminate some head of state that wasn't even on my list burn that microfilm, buddy, will you? I'd tell you why but then I'd have to kill you you need a quickie confession? will start a water boarding session no hurry on that South American dictator I'll assassinate him later that's when he walked in my laser sights and my silencer was on and my silencer was on and another target's gone yeah we got our black ops all over the world from Kazakhstan to Bombay paying the bribes like yeah plugging the leaks like yeah interrogating the scum of the earth we'll break 'em by the break of day yeah it's a party in the CIA yeah it's a party in the CIA need a country to stabilize look no further we're your guys we've got snazzy suits and ties and a better dental plan than the FBI's better put your hands up and get in the van we're also getting blown away staging a coup like yeah brainwashing moles like yeah we only torture the folks we don't like you're probably gonna be OK yeah it's a party in the CIA yeah it's a party in the CIA
Ringtone -------- Once, not very long ago, I was respected, I was popular (popular, ooh) But now I hang my head in shame (ahh, ooh) My life is filled with such regret A bad mistake I can't forget And now I'll never be the same Ringtone Why did I buy this stupid ringtone? I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (What was I thinking?) My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call Well, everybody (everybody) Everybody (everybody) Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone When my phone goes off at work I look like the biggest jerk Total strangers wanna slap me around When it's ringin' on the terrace My neighbors get embarrassed They're beggin' me to move outta town Well, it made my wife so sick She smashed my iPhone with a brick But I had it fixed, and now it's just fine It's a pain, I sure don't need it And I probably should delete it But for me that would be crossin' the line 'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety nine Hey, I paid good money for this... Ringtone Why did I buy this stupid ringtone? I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (Really, what was I thinking?) My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call Well, everybody (everybody) Everybody (everybody) Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone Ringtone Ringtone Ahh, ooh Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone) Muslim women in burqas (really hate my ringtone) Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone) Even folks with Ebola (just hate my ringtone) All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers) All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers) Everyone on the land, everyone on the sea Every single person everywhere unanimously Everybody (everybody) Everybody (everybody) Everybody in the whole wide world really hates my Ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone...
Another Tattoo -------------- (Parody of B.o.B's "Nothin' on You") Beautiful tats All over my back Makes me so proud, I'm gonna shout it out loud I got another tattoo, baby (Yeah) Another tattoo, baby ('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe) ('No, 'nother tattoo) (Ha!) No part of me's blank, I'm really ink-obsessed It's like an art show the moment that I get undressed (Check it!) At every job interview, they're just so impressed (Really?) 'Cause I got all my ex-wives on my chest (Ha, ha!) Over here is Clay Aiken, here's a side of bacon, (Huh!) And a Minotaur pillow fightin' with Satan, (Yes!) Next to Hello Kitty and a zombie ice skatin' (Yah!) Wait... it's Ronald Reagan! I've got these dragons, (Yo!) Got these dolphins (Yo!) All inscribed on me indelibly (Indelibly!) I've had bad reactions, (Yeah!) Bad infections, (Yeah!) Even Hepatitis C. ('Titis C) My friends think that I need therapy (Therapy) Need some laser surgery (Surgery) For the flaming goat skull on my knee (Knee) Knee (Knee) Knee (Hey!) Beautiful tats (Yeah!) All over my back (All over!) And I've got some space here On the side of my face here (Ha, ha!) For another tattoo, baby ('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe) ('No, 'nother tattoo) Another tattoo, baby ('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe) ('No, 'nother tattoo) No, I'm not high (High) I'm really okay (Okay!) I just love these scribbles (Ha, ha!) That won't go away (Yes) I've got another tattoo, baby ('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe) ('No, 'nother tattoo) Another tattoo, baby ('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe) ('No, 'nother tattoo) Yeah Yes, there were a few I got from losin' a bet. I misspelled a word or two, still there's nothin' I regret. My shoppin' trips are no sweat, there's never stuff I forget. Check out this rad Boba Fett, he's playin' clarinet! Beautiful tats (Yeah!) All over my back (All over!) And what the heck, (Ha, ha!) There's still some room on my neck (What?) I'll get another tattoo, baby ('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe) ('No, 'nother tattoo) Another tattoo, baby ('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe) ('No, 'nother tattoo) I don't know why, (Why) But every day, (Day) Whenever folks see me they just back away (Woo!) I've got another tattoo, baby ('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe) ('No, 'nother tattoo) Another tattoo, baby ('No, 'no, 'no, 'nother tattoo, babe) ('No, 'nother tattoo) Yeah [Tattoo gun noises] Yow! Okay, right there by my elbow. You see? Yeah. I've got a couple square inches left. Uh... maybe a squid, or a tarantula, or somethin'... I don't know. Surprise me. Ow! Mother f....
If That Isn't Love ------------------ ooh yeah oh i'm your shelter from the storm you'll know I'll always have your back I'll even let you warm your freezing hands inside my butt crack I never get out my leaf blower when Oprah is on and when you're telling me about your feelings I try not to yawn and when we're at parties I don't talk about your spastic bladder when you're cleaning the gutters on the roof I hold the ladder and if that isn't love if that isn't love if that isn't love i don't know what love is nanananananana nanananano i guess i don't know nanananananana ahhhh listen now there's a microscopic bit of milk left in the refrigerator i coulda finished it off but i quit in case you want a tiny little sip for later and if you cut the cheese then maybe i'll wink and say the dog's to blame and i'll make sure to call you baby everytime i forget your name i'll even tell you girl when you start looking fat 'cuz all your so-called friends will probably neglect to mention that and if that isn't love if that isn't love if that isn't love i don't know what love is nanananananana nananana well then I don't know nananannananna oh no even though you make me sit through Mamma Mia! well I still adore you i'll kiss you even if you have omelettes for breakfast and i can't stand omelettes after I take a bath if its still warm i'll leave the water in there for you i'll give you my word you're so beautiful you make a glorious sunset look like a big fat turd everytime I see you trying to lift some really heavy thing you can always count on me to help by saying something encouraging if you get drunk and pass out i'll never sharpie up your face and I don't wipe my nose on your couch even though that's a super convenient place i totally support every idiotic thing you do and i almost never pretend you're someone else when i'm making out with you and if that isn't love if that isn't love if that isn't love i don't know what love is nanananananana no i don't know what love is nanananananana well I don't know what love is I don't know what love is
Whatever You Like ----------------- (Parody of T.I.'s "Whatever You Like") Hey girl, you know our economy is in the toilet But I'm still gonna treat you right I said you can have whatever you like I said you can have whatever you like Yeah yeah Tater tots, Cold Duck on ice And we can clip coupons all night And you can have whatever you like I said you can have whatever you like Take you out for dinner anywhere that you please Like Burger King or Mickey D's And baby you can have whatever you like I said you can even have the large fries Yeah yeah Baby you should know I'm really quite a sweet guy When I buy you bathroom tissue I always get the two-ply Whatever you can get it my dear I got my CostCo membership card right here Yeah you like Top Ramen, need Top Ramen Got a cupboard full of them I'll keep'em coming You want it, I got it Go get it, just heat it Dump the flavor packet on it and eat it Pork and beans and Minute Rice And we can play cribbage all night And baby you can have whatever you like I said baby you can have whatever you like Yeah yeah I can take you to the laundromat downtown And watch all the clothes go round and round And baby we can go wherever you like I said we can go wherever you like Yeah yeah Hottest shortie I know If you had some lipo You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio Seven dollar-bills rolled Inside my plastic billfold Buy you a bagel even if it isn't day-old And you never ever gonna wear your sister's old clothes As long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinkos Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl You ain't got to to pay me That's the way that I roll My chick can have what she want At Walmart she can pick out anything she want I know though you ain't never had a man like that Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that Yeah You like my Hyundai, see my Hyundai? I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday But that's kinda far, and I'm not made out of cash Do you think you could chip in for gas? Mac and cheese would be all right But let's send out for pizza tonight And you can order any toppings you like I said you can even have the last slice Yeah Grabbed myself a cable from my neighbor next door Now I can get free HBO And baby you can watch whatever you like I said you can watch whatever you like Yeah And you can always ride the city bus Got a stack of tokens just for us Yo my wallet's fat and full of ones Yeah it's all about the Washingtons that's right You want White Castle, need White Castle As long as you got me it won't be no hassle You want it, we'll get it, just don't be a hater If I grab a bunch of napkins for later Thrift store jeans on sale half-price The underwear at Goodwill is nice And baby you can have whatever you like I said you can have whatever you like Yeah yeah Baby I can give you anything you please Even share my government cheese And baby you can have as much as you like I said you can have as much as you like Yeah Yeah
Stop Forwarding That Crap To Me ------------------------------- Oh the sand keeps falling through the hourglass and there's no way you're going to slow it down you say we gotta treasure each moment who knows how long we're gonna be around yeah you keep on telling me life is short and its hard to disagree with what you say but if time is so precious why ya wasting mine cuz I'm always reading always deleting every useless piece of garbage that you send my way every stupid hoax all those corny jokes stop forwarding that crap to me well I don't need tons of cringe inducing puns stop forwarding that crap to me no it isn't ok if you brighten my day with some cut and pasted hackneyed Hallmark poetry and I didn't request a personality test stop forwarding that crap to me Ahhhh you're sending virus latent you're sending virus-laden bandwidth-hogging attachments to every single person you know you're passing around a link to some dumb thing on YouTube that everybody else already saw three years ago and wacky badly Photoshopped billboard were never that amusing to me and I just can't believe you believe those urban legends but I have high hopes that someone will point you toward Snopes and debunk that crazy junk you're spewing constantly No I don't want a bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul stop forwarding that crap to me send more top 10 lists and I'll slash my wrists please stop forwarding that crap to me well I'm sorry i can't accept your paranoid rant and I don't want the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe won't you kindly refrain cuz its hurting my brain stop forwarding that crap to me... Like glittery hearts and unicorns and pictures of somebody's cat now tell me in what alternate reality will I care about something like that? and by the way your quotes from George Carlin aren't really George Carlin Mr. Rogers never fought the Viet Cong and Bill Gates is never gonna give me something for nothing and I really doubt some dead girl is gonna kill me if I don't pass her letter along Well now I know you're wishing I'll sign your petition but stop forwarding that crap to me and I don't want to read your series of conspiracy theories just stop forwarding that crap to me and your two million loser friends all have my address because you never figured out the way to BCC but now I gotta insist take me off of your list stop forwarding that crap to me (stop forwarding that crap to me stop forwarding that crap to me stop forwarding that crap to me stop forwarding that crap to me) just stop it now oh no (stop forwarding that crap to me) [repeats] i can't take it aw please you gotta stop right now I'm not kidding at the risk of being slightly repetitious gonna ask you now to stop sending me that crap I don't want it don't send it to me now don't send it to me just stop forwarding that crap to me stop forwarding that crap to me to me

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