Whatever You Like
-----------------
(Parody of T.I.'s "Whatever You Like")
Hey girl, you know our economy is in the toilet
But I'm still gonna treat you right
I said you can have whatever you like
I said you can have whatever you like
Yeah yeah
Tater tots, Cold Duck on ice
And we can clip coupons all night
And you can have whatever you like
I said you can have whatever you like
Take you out for dinner anywhere that you please
Like Burger King or Mickey D's
And baby you can have whatever you like
I said you can even have the large fries
Yeah yeah
Baby you should know I'm really quite a sweet guy
When I buy you bathroom tissue
I always get the two-ply
Whatever you can get it my dear
I got my CostCo membership card right here
Yeah you like Top Ramen, need Top Ramen
Got a cupboard full of them
I'll keep'em coming
You want it, I got it
Go get it, just heat it
Dump the flavor packet on it and eat it
Pork and beans and Minute Rice
And we can play cribbage all night
And baby you can have whatever you like
I said baby you can have whatever you like
Yeah yeah
I can take you to the laundromat downtown
And watch all the clothes go round and round
And baby we can go wherever you like
I said we can go wherever you like
Yeah yeah
Hottest shortie I know
If you had some lipo
You could be second runner-up Miss Ohio
Seven dollar-bills rolled
Inside my plastic billfold
Buy you a bagel even if it isn't day-old
And you never ever gonna wear your sister's old clothes
As long as I'm still assistant manager at Kinkos
Cut your hair with scissors and a soup bowl
You ain't got to to pay me
That's the way that I roll
My chick can have what she want
At Walmart she can pick out anything she want
I know though you ain't never had a man like that
Who doesn't make you buy generic brand like that
Yeah
You like my Hyundai, see my Hyundai?
I can take you to see your cousin Phil next Sunday
But that's kinda far, and I'm not made out of cash
Do you think you could chip in for gas?
Mac and cheese would be all right
But let's send out for pizza tonight
And you can order any toppings you like
I said you can even have the last slice
Yeah
Grabbed myself a cable from my neighbor next door
Now I can get free HBO
And baby you can watch whatever you like
I said you can watch whatever you like
Yeah
And you can always ride the city bus
Got a stack of tokens just for us
Yo my wallet's fat and full of ones
Yeah it's all about the Washingtons that's right
You want White Castle, need White Castle
As long as you got me it won't be no hassle
You want it, we'll get it, just don't be a hater
If I grab a bunch of napkins for later
Thrift store jeans on sale half-price
The underwear at Goodwill is nice
And baby you can have whatever you like
I said you can have whatever you like
Yeah yeah
Baby I can give you anything you please
Even share my government cheese
And baby you can have as much as you like
I said you can have as much as you like
Yeah
Yeah
Craigslist
----------
(sung in the style of The Doors)
Whoa, yeah!
You've got a 65 Chevy Malibu
With automatic drive, a custom paint job too
I'll trade you for my old wheelbarrow
And a slightly-used sombrero
And I'll even throw in a stapler, if you insist
Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, baby, come on
Yeah
Well, we shared a quick glance Saturday at the mall
I never took a chance, never approached you at all
You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas
I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask
Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed
On Craigslist
Yeah, Craigslist, come on
I'm on Craigslist, baby
Maybe you are too
Bee bomp a chonk a donk bim bang boo
An open letter to the snotty barista
At the Coffee Bean on San Vicente Boulevard:
I know there were 20 people behind me in line
But I was on a cell phone call with my mother
Didn't you see me hold up my index finger?
That means I'll order my soy decaf hazelnut latte in just a couple minutes
So what's with the attitude, lady?
No tip for you
Got a trash can of Styrofoam peanuts, you can have em for free
You can drop by on the weekend and pick em up from me
But the trash can ain't part of the deal
Only givin' you the peanuts, get real
Don't have no Hefty bags, so bring your own
Don't bug me with questions on the phone
Don't ask for help, don't waste my time
And don't complain, cause they won't cost you a dime
Just ask yourself
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have my Styrofoam peanuts
Do you want my Styrofoam peanuts?
You can have 'em all
They're on Craigslist, yeah
Craigslist, oh baby, come on
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist
I'm on Craigslist, Craigslist, Craigslist now
Craigslist
Skipper Dan
-----------
I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
I graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard
Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out
I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Just like they've done for the last 50 years
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDb me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland
It ain't exactly what I planned
But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow"
But what's the difference, that's all behind me now
'Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin' my pride
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in "12 Angry Men"
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again
Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That's an African bull elephant...
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life?!
I shoulda listened when my grandfather said
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Somebody shoot me 'cause I'm bored to tears
Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride CNR
---
Charles Nelson Reilly was a mighty man
The kind of man you'd never disrespect
He stood 8 foot tall, wore glasses
And he had a third nipple on the back of his neck
He ate his own weight in coal
And excreted diamonds every day
He could throw you down a flight of stairs
But you still would love him anyway
Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway
Charles Nelson Reilly won the Tour de France
With two flat tires and a missin' chain
He trained a rattlesnake to do his laundry
I'm tellin' you the man was insane
He could rip out your beatin' heart
And show it to you right before you died
Every day he'd make the host of Match Game
Give him a piggyback ride
Yeah, a two-hour piggyback ride
Giddyup, Gene!
Ninja warrior, master of disguise
He could melt your brain with his laser beam eyes
Oh yeah
Oh yeah
He had his very own line at the DMV
He made sweet, sweet love to a manatee
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, that was somethin' to see, I tell ya
Charles Nelson Reilly sold his toenail clippings as a potent aphrodisiac
He ran a four minute mile blindfolded with an engine block strapped to his back
He could eat more frozen waffles than any other man I know
Once he fell off the Chrysler building and he barely even stubbed his toe
Had a tiny little scratch on his toe
Didn't even hurt
Charles Nelson Reilly figured out cold fusion
But he never ever told a soul
I've seen the man unhinge his jaw
And swallow a Volkswagen whole
He'd bash your face in with a shovel
If you didn't treat him like a star
'Cause you can spit in the wind or tug on Superman's cape
But Lord knows you just don't mess around with CNR
No no no
Talkin' bout CNR
Ohh
Ringtone
--------
Once, not very long ago, I was respected, I was popular (popular, ooh)
But now I hang my head in shame (ahh, ooh)
My life is filled with such regret
A bad mistake I can't forget
And now I'll never be the same
Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (What was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone
When my phone goes off at work
I look like the biggest jerk
Total strangers wanna slap me around
When it's ringin' on the terrace
My neighbors get embarrassed
They're beggin' me to move outta town
Well, it made my wife so sick
She smashed my iPhone with a brick
But I had it fixed, and now it's just fine
It's a pain, I sure don't need it
And I probably should delete it
But for me that would be crossin' the line
'Cause I hate to waste a buck ninety nine
Hey, I paid good money for this...
Ringtone
Why did I buy this stupid ringtone?
I just can't imagine now what I was thinking at all (Really, what was I thinking?)
My friends all stare at me whenever I get a call
Well, everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the world really hates my ringtone
Ringtone
Ringtone
Ahh, ooh
Chinese factory workers (they hate my ringtone)
Muslim women in burqas (really hate my ringtone)
Starvin' kids in Angola (they hate my ringtone)
Even folks with Ebola (just hate my ringtone)
All the nuns and nannies (all the welfare mothers)
All the Pakistanis (all the Wayans brothers)
Everyone on the land, everyone on the sea
Every single person everywhere unanimously
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody (everybody)
Everybody in the whole wide world really hates my
Ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone... ringtone...
