Yankovic! : Published Lyrics : Mandatory Fun

(lyrics from the Weird Al Wikia)

Handy ----- (parody of "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea) First things first, I'm a craftsman (craftsman) Remodeling is my only passion (it's my passion) And I'm the greatest in the business Want referrals, yo My clientelle will bear you witness (right, right) I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?) There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah) I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks) Where you go when your disposal is rusted (rusted) Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck) When your front window is busted Just one name that's always trusted I'm so handy You already know I'll fix your plumbing When your toilets overflow I'm so handy I'll bring you up to code When your dishwasher's About to 'splode Now, you see that your furnace is needing some service I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica Maybe I'll hook up this here combo washer-dryer But all your pipes are antique Your water pressure's too weak You got an attic full of dry rot Because your roof sprung a leak Your fridge is starting to reek Your hardwood floors really squeak But don't you worry, I'll just show you my amazing technique Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that Any random chore you got, well, I can do that, do that Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun I got 99 problems, but a switch ain't one I'm so handy Everyone says so I'll grout your bathroom Resurface your patio I'm so handy I'm the guy to know When your leaf blower Doesn't blow Patch the drywall Clean your gutters and mow the lawn Make that phone call I'll install anything you want Yeah, check my big staple gun My socket wrenches are second to none I won't quit till I'm done Don't even care if I hammer my thumb, OW! Still rocking my screwdriver Got the whole world thinking I'm MacGyver Your heating bills are shocking I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking Your house is a disaster, huh Need a guy who's a master with the plaster, huh Let me be your stripper Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker I'm so handy You already know I'll beat all price quotes My hourly rates are low I'm so handy You should call this pro I'm in the phone book And se habla español
Lame Claim to Fame ------------------ One time I was in the checkout line behind Steven Seagal Once I'm pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill was in the very next bathroom stall My best friend's brother, well he as an extra in Wayne's World 2 My neighbour's baby sitter dated three of the guys in Motley Crue I swear Jack Nicholson looked right at me at a Laker's game I got a lame, lame claim to fame (Ow-wee) Check it out I bought a second hand toaster from a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt I got me an email from the prince of Nigeria, well he sure sounded legit My sister used to take piano lessons from the second cousin of Ralph Nader Last year I threw up in an elevator next to Christian Slater Well guess what, my birthday and Kim Kardashian's are exactly the same I got a lame, lame claim to fame A really lame, lame claim to fame Once at a party, my dentist accidentally sneezed on Russell Crowe I posted first in the comments on a YouTube video I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi but he told me this seat's taken I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who know a guy who knows a guy who know Kevin Bacon (Ow-wee) I had a car that used to belong to Cuba Gooding Jr.'s uncle A friend of mine in high school had jury duty with Art Garfunkel One time I was staying in the same hotel as Zooey Deschanel I used the same napkin dispenser as Steve Carell at a Taco Bell I don't mean to brag but Paul Giamatti's plumber knows me by name I got a lame, lame claim to fame A really lame, lame claim to fame That's right, I'm talking lame, lame claim to fame A really really really lame, lame claim to fame Ow, let's get lame boys
Foil ---- (parody of "Royals" by Lorde) I never seem to finish all my food I always get a doggy bag, from the waiter So I just keep what's still unchewed And I take it home, save it for later But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation Microbes, enzymes, mold, and oxidation I don't care, I've got a secret trick up my sleeve I never bother with baggies, glass jars, Tupperware containers Plastic cling wrap, really a no brainer I just like, to keep all my flavors sealed in tight With aluminum foil (foil). Never settle for less. That kind of wrap is just the best To keep your sandwich nice and fresh. Stick it in your cooler (cooler) Eat it when you're ready Then maybe you'll choose (you'll choose you'll choose you'll choose) A refreshing herbal tea (Hm, lovely) Oh by the way I've cracked the code I've figured out these shadow or-ganizations And the Illuminati knows that they're finally primed For world domination And soon you've got black helicopters comin' cross the border Puppetmasters for the new world order Be aware, there's always someone that's watching you And still the government won't admit they faked the whole moon landing Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning. Don't mind that, I'm protected 'cause I made this hat From aluminum foil (foil) Wear a hat that's foil lined In case and alien's inclined To probe your butt or read your mind Looks a bit peculiar ('culiar) Seems a little crazy But someday I'll prove (I'll prove, I'll prove, I'll prove) There's a big conspiracy
Sports Song ----------- Your sports team is vastly inferior That simple fact is plainly obvious to see We're gonna kick your collective posterior Of course you realize we're speaking, figuratively Our stats are thoroughly impressive, Our coach really has the Midas touch, Our players are fast and strong and brave And your guys, (Eh!), not so much. In fact we've played teams across the nation And you're the worst one we've come across Try to assimilate that information And it just might help you cope with your impending loss Oh, and if somehow we are still failing to effectively articulate the points at hand. Allow us now summarize them in a manner that your feeble brains can understand. We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) We're great (we're great) And you suck (you suck) You see there's us (we're great) And then there's you (you suck) We're really, really great (really great) In contrast, you really suck (really suck) Okay, full disclosure, we're not that great But nevertheless, you suck. [Drum Solo] Your sports team will soon suffer swift defeat That theory's backed up by empirical evidence We're gonna grind up your guys into burger meat Again, of course we're speaking in the figurative sense What's the use of even going through the motions When you know that you're gonna lose anyhow? So why don't you save us all some time And give up now? (you suck!)
Word Crimes ----------- (parody of "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke) Everybody shut up! *Hah* Hey, hey hey! *Everybody listen up* Hey, hey hey! Hey, hey hey! *Turn me up* If you can't write in the proper way, If you don't know how to conjugate Maybe you flunked that class, And, maybe now you find, That people mock you online *Everybody wise up!* Okay, now here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya, Gonna familiarize, you with the nomenclature, You'll learn the definitions, Of nouns and prepositions, Literacy's your mission, And, that's why I think it's a good time, To learn some grammar, *What?!* Now did I stammer? Work on that grammar, You should know when, It's less or it's fewer, Like people who were, Never raised in a sewer, I hate these Word Crimes, Like I could care less, That means you do care, At least a little, Don't be a moron, You better slow down, And use the right pronoun, Show the world you're no clown *Everybody wise up!* Say you've got an IT, Followed by apostrophe, S Now what does that mean, You would not use this in this case, As a possessive, *No, no no* It's a contraction, *Yeah, yeah, yeah* *Laughing* What's a contraction? Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words, by the omission of a sound or letter... Okay, now here's some notes, Syntax you're always mangling, No X in Espresso, Your participle's danglin', But, I don't want your drama, If you really wanna, Leave out that Oxford comma, Just keep in mind, That "be,""see," "are," "you," (B-C-R-U) Are words, not letters! Get it together, Use your spell checker, You should never, Write words using numbers, Unless you're seven, Or your name is Prince *Everybody wise up!* I hate these Word Crimes *Hate them crimes!* You really need a, *I hate them crimes!* Full-time proofreader, *I mean those crimes!* You dumb mouth-breather, Well, you should hire, Some cunning linguist, To help you distinguish, What is proper English? *Everybody wise up!* One thing I ask of you, Time to learn your homophones is past due, Learn to diagram a sentence too, Always say "to whom", Don't ever say "to who", Yeah, listen up when I tell you this, I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis, You finished second grade (we, hoo), Hope you can tell, If you're doing good or doing well, Figure out the difference, Irony is not coincidence, And, I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull, What's figurative and what's literal, Oh but, just now, you said, You literally couldn't get out of bed, *What?!* That really makes me want to literally smack a crowbar upside your stupid head, I read your e-mail, It's quite apparent, You're grammar's errant, You're incoherent, Saw your blog post, It's really fantastic, That was sarcastic, *Oh, psych!* 'Cause you write like a spastic I hate these Word Crimes, *Everybody wise up!* Your prose is dopey, *Hey!* Think you should only, *Oooo, hoooo* Write in emoji, Oh, you're a lost cause, *Hey, hey hey hey* Go back to pre-school, Get out of the gene pool, *Hey, hey hey* Try your best to not drool, *Never mind I give up* *Really now I give up* *Hey, hey hey* *Hey, hey hey* *Go Away!*
My Own Eyes ----------- I saw a baby drive a truck I saw a junkie eat a tuba I saw a stripper kiss a duck Behind a dumpster in Aruba I saw this fat, psychotic guy His underwear was made of crickets He pawned a skeleton to buy Some old expired lotto tickets I saw a naked vagrant Giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his cat I probably could have gone my whole life without seeing that Chorus: With My Own Eyes I see things that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From My Own Eyes I saw a mime get packed to death With an imaginary cleaver I saw an old man's final breath I watched him die from Bieber Fever I saw these diabetic chicks In an abandoned 7-Eleven I watched them snorting pixie sticks While they were belching Stairway To Heaven I saw two drag queens trying to see how many crackers they could shove up each other's nose I'd like to erase my mind completely but I suppose That's just the way it goes With My Own Eyes I see things that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain From My Own Eyes, My Own Eyes Those visions haunt my memories Oh there's so much I wish I could unsee With My Own Eyes Some priest got drunk and stole a circus zebra and he trained it to massage his back My guinea pig committed harakiri, so we used him to play hackey-sack My neighbor's kids sold weapons-grade plutonium and frosty ice-cold lemonade They took MasterCard and sometimes human organs in trade That's how we paid I have to say that it was really darn good lemonade With My Own Eyes I've seen thing that'd drive a normal man insane Wish I could disconnect my brain from My Own Eyes, My Own Eyes Those visions haunt my memory Oh there's so much I wish I could unsee With My Own Eyes With My Own Eyes With My Own Eyes With My Own Eyes
Mission Statement ----------------- We must all efficiently, Operationalize our strategies, Invest in world-class technology, And leverage our core competencies, In order to holistically administrate, Exceptional synergy, We'll set a brand trajectory, Using management's philosophy, Advance on Macheive Leivieve, A proven methodology, With strong commitment to quality, Effectively enhancing corporate synergy, Transitioning our company, By awareness of functionality, Promoting viability, Providing awesome logic with diversity, *Ooooooooo* We will distill our identity, Through client-centric solutions, And synergy, *Ooooooo--ooooo--oooooooooo* At the end-At the end-of the day-Of the day, We must monetize our assets, The fundamentals of change, Can you visualize a value-added experience? That will grow the business infrastructure, and Monetize our assets Monetize our assets Monetize our assets Bringing to the table, Our capitalized reputation, Proactively overseeing day-to-day operations, Services and deliverables, With cross-platform innovation, Networking soon will bring seamless integration, Provost and scalable bleeding-edge and next-generation, Best of breed, We'll succeed, In achieving globalization, Gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace, It's vision-critical to stay syngerized, Against this purple-poster-flexible-solutions for all customer base, If you can think outside the box, You'll be downsized, It's a paradigm shift, *Rolls tongue, Hey, Hey!* *Look out!* Well, it's a paradigm shift, now! Here we go! Here we go! Here we come! Here we come! Ha!
Inactive -------- (parody of "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons) I'm waking up In Cheeto dust My belly's covered with pizza crust I'm using my inhaler now, *Wheezes* I'm out of shape Fattening up I'm sipping Coke from a soda cup Donut crumbs are upon my lips, *Whoa-oa* The TVs on, I really hate this show I can't reach my remote control Welcome to my new place, to my new place Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, I'm so Inactive O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, Highly Inactive My muscle's gone I'm atrophied Always lose my fight with gravity I rest my bones And just chillax *Whoa-oa* My nordic tracks Collecting dust And my stair-masters a pile of rust This is it, The Inertia *Whoa-oa* I can't get up This couch is part of me I'm growing cobwebs On my knee Crazy that for my age, that for my age I could read my rib cage, here is my age O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, Yes, quite Inactive O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, Not very Active Here comatose No exercise Don't tag my toe I'm still alive Chorus: I'm giving up My inner-teenage drive I'm never moving from this spot Never move from this place, Move from this place I'll stay here in this place, Right in this place O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, Just so Inactive O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, I'm so Attractive
First World Problems -------------------- My maid is cleaning the bathroom So, I can take a shower When I do the water starts getting cold After an hour I couldn't order off the breakfast menu 'Cause I slept in till two Then, I filled up on bread Didn't leave any room for tiramisu Oh no, there's a pixel out In the corner of my laptop screen I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough For the vending machine Some idiot just called me up on the phone, *What?!* Don't they know how to text, OMG! I got First World, First World Problems, *First World Problems* O-o-o-o-o-o, First World, First World Problems, *First World Problems* O-o-o-o-o-o, First World, First World Problems I bought too many groceries For my refrigerator Forgot my gardener's name I'll have to ask him later Tried to fast-forward commercials Can't! I'm watching live TV! I'm pretty sure the cookies in this airport now But you aint gluten-free My barista didn't even bother To make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla late! First World, First World Problems, *First World Problems* First World, First World Problems, *First World Problems* First World, First World Problems Can't remember which car I drove To the mall My SonicK won't recharge Now I gotta brush my teeth like a Neanderthal The thread count in these cotton sheets Has got me itching My house is so big I can't get WiFi in the kitchen I had to buy something I didn't even need Just so I could qualify for Free Shipping on Amazon! First World, First World Problems *First World Problems* First World, First World Problems *First World Problems* First World, First World Problems *First World Problems* First World, First World Problems *First World Problems* First World, First World Problems *First World Problems* First World, First World Problems *Heh-heh-heh-Gasping-Gasping* *Amanda Laughing*
Tacky ----- (parody of "Happy" by Pharrell) It might seem crazy wearing stripes with plaid I Instagram every meal I've had All my used liquor bottles are on display We can go to see a show, But I'll make you pay (Because I'm Tacky) Wear my belt with suspenders And sandals with my socks (Because I'm Tacky) Got some new glitter Uggs And lovely pink sequined Crocs (Because I'm Tacky) Never let you forget Some favor I did for you (Because I'm Tacky) If you're okay with that You might just be tacky, too I meet some chick, ask her this and that Like, Are you pregnant girl, or just really fat? (What?) Well, now I'm dropping names almost constantly That's what Kanye West keeps telling me Here's why (Because I'm Tacky) Wear my Ed Hardy shirt With fluorescent orange pants (Because I'm Tacky) Got my new resume It's printed in Comic Sans (Because I'm Tacky) Think it's fun threatening waiters With a bad Yelp review (Because I'm Tacky) If you think that's just fine Then you're probably Tacky, too (Tacky) Bring me shame, Can't Nothing (Tacky) Bring me shame, I've never known why (Tacky) Bring me shame, Can't Nothing (Tacky) Bring me shame, I said, (Tell you now) (Tacky) Bring me shame, Can't Nothing (Tacky) Bring me shame, It's pointless to try (Tacky) Bring me shame, Can't Nothing (Tacky) Bring me shame, I said, (Because I'm Tacky) 43 Bumper Stickers And a YOLO license plate (Because I'm Tacky) Bring along my coupon book Whenever I'm on a date (Because I'm Tacky) Practice my twerking moves In line at the DMV (Because I'm Tacky) Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints Hey! It said they're free! (Because I'm Tacky) I get drunk at the bank, And take off my shirt, at least (Because I'm Tacky) I would live-tweet a funeral, Take selfies with the deceased (Because I'm Tacky) If I'm bit by a zombie I'm probably not telling you (Because I'm Tacky) If you don't think that's bad, Guess what, then you're Tacky, too
Jackson Park Express -------------------- Tuesday morning, 8:15 I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express Seemed like any other day Then my whole world changed in a way I never could have guessed 'Cause she walked in, O-oh-O Took the seat right across the aisle I knew we had a special connection The second I saw her smile She smiled as if to say Hello, haven't seen you on this bus before I gave her a look that said Hah, Life is funny, you never know what's in store By the way, your hair is beautiful I bet it smells like RAISINS She looked at me in a way that asked Did you have a nose job or something? I'm only asking 'Cause your nose looks slightly better Than the rest of your face I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly Which was my way of asking Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer? It still works, Kinda And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left Then she let out a long sigh Which I took to mean, Uh Mama, What is that deodorant you're wearing? It's intoxicating Why don't we drive out to the country sometime And collect deer ticks in a ziplock baggie, Aw yeah I gave her a penetrating stare Which could only mean You are my answer. My answer to everything. Which is why I'll probably do very poorly on the written part of my driver's test. O-oh-O, O-ho-O, O-oh-O-O-oh-O, Yes, It all happened on the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express, On the Jackson Park Express, On the Jackson Park Express I knew she was starting to fall for me 'Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant Baby, lets wear each other's clothes And speak in a fake German accent And, maybe someday we can own and operate Our own mobile pet-grooming service, Ahhhh I couldn't hold back my feelings, I gave her a look, that said I would make any sacrifice for your love Goat, chicken, whatever I could never hold you close enough Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together, Surgically grafted together She picked up her newspaper, and started reading to herself Which I'm sure, was a way of telling me When you're cold, I will warm you, Ah, When you're shivering, I will hold you When your nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour, for as long as the symptoms persist O-oh-I, I never, ever want to see you cry So, please let me, codderize your tear ducts with an arc welder Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second, in a way that clearly implied I like your boobs. Oh-o-Oh-Yes, it all happened on the Jackson Park Express, On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express On the Jackson Park Express I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away And I'm sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say I was trying to say, Hey! I'd like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells that you sluff off while you sleep at night Whoa-o-Oh, I'd like to rip you wide open, And french-kiss every single one of your internal organs Oh, I'd like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin but not in a creepy way Then, I'm pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye And though she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard She was saying, Oh! I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight, until the staff at SeaWorld kicks us out I want you inside me, O-O-oh, like a tapeworm I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating, Hey! I think you got something on the side of your mouth, She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say, Here?, I nodded, implying, Yeah, you got it. And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly, Where are you going?, pleaded my eyes, Baby, don't you do this to me Think of the beautiful children we could have someday, We could school them at home, Raise them up the right way, And protect them from the evils of the world, Like Trigonometry and Prime Numbers, O-Oh-No, Baby, please don't go She brushed my leg, as she left the bus, I'm sure that was her way of saying I'm sorry this just isn't working out, You're suffocating me, I need some space to find out what life's all about, so, goodbye forever, my love And deep inside, I knew she was right, it was time for us both to move on Although, I never got her number, Oh-no-no, She never bothered to leave her address, But, as long as I live, I'll never forget those precious moments we shared together on The Jackson Park Express on the Jackson Park Express on the Jackson Park Express on the Jackson Park Express on the Jackson Park Express on the Jackson Park Express on the Jackson Park Express on the Jackson Park Express!

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