Handy
-----
(parody of "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea)
First things first, I'm a craftsman (craftsman)
Remodeling is my only passion (it's my passion)
And I'm the greatest in the business
Want referrals, yo
My clientelle will bear you witness (right, right)
I can help when your door jamb sticks (heh?)
There is nothing in the world I can't fix (yeah)
I do tiles, I do stone, I do bricks
Call me, I'll come rushing over with my bag of tricks (bag of tricks)
Where you go when your disposal is rusted (rusted)
Termite problem making you disgusted (yuck)
When your front window is busted
Just one name that's always trusted
I'm so handy
You already know
I'll fix your plumbing
When your toilets overflow
I'm so handy
I'll bring you up to code
When your dishwasher's
About to 'splode
Now, you see that your furnace is needing some service
I'm fully bonded, no need to be nervous
Perhaps you would like a new counter Formica
Maybe I'll hook up this here combo washer-dryer
But all your pipes are antique
Your water pressure's too weak
You got an attic full of dry rot
Because your roof sprung a leak
Your fridge is starting to reek
Your hardwood floors really squeak
But don't you worry, I'll just show you my amazing technique
Now let me glue that, glue that and screw that, screw that
Any random chore you got, well, I can do that, do that
Or maybe I'll just rewire your house for fun
I got 99 problems, but a switch ain't one
I'm so handy
Everyone says so
I'll grout your bathroom
Resurface your patio
I'm so handy
I'm the guy to know
When your leaf blower
Doesn't blow
Patch the drywall
Clean your gutters and mow the lawn
Make that phone call
I'll install anything you want
Yeah, check my big staple gun
My socket wrenches are second to none
I won't quit till I'm done
Don't even care if I hammer my thumb, OW!
Still rocking my screwdriver
Got the whole world thinking I'm MacGyver
Your heating bills are shocking
I can solve that with some duct tape and some caulking
Your house is a disaster, huh
Need a guy who's a master with the plaster, huh
Let me be your stripper
Taking off lacquer, no one does it quicker
I'm so handy
You already know
I'll beat all price quotes
My hourly rates are low
I'm so handy
You should call this pro
I'm in the phone book
And se habla español
Lame Claim to Fame
------------------
One time I was in the checkout line behind Steven Seagal
Once I'm pretty sure Mr. Jonah Hill was in the very next bathroom stall
My best friend's brother, well he as an extra in Wayne's World 2
My neighbour's baby sitter dated three of the guys in Motley Crue
I swear Jack Nicholson looked right at me at a Laker's game
I got a lame, lame claim to fame (Ow-wee)
Check it out
I bought a second hand toaster from a guy who says he knows Brad Pitt
I got me an email from the prince of Nigeria, well he sure sounded legit
My sister used to take piano lessons from the second cousin of Ralph Nader
Last year I threw up in an elevator next to Christian Slater
Well guess what, my birthday and Kim Kardashian's are exactly the same
I got a lame, lame claim to fame
A really lame, lame claim to fame
Once at a party, my dentist accidentally sneezed on Russell Crowe
I posted first in the comments on a YouTube video
I tried to sit by Steve Buscemi but he told me this seat's taken
I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who know a guy who knows a guy
who know Kevin Bacon
(Ow-wee)
I had a car that used to belong to Cuba Gooding Jr.'s uncle
A friend of mine in high school had jury duty with Art Garfunkel
One time I was staying in the same hotel as Zooey Deschanel
I used the same napkin dispenser as Steve Carell at a Taco Bell
I don't mean to brag but Paul Giamatti's plumber knows me by name
I got a lame, lame claim to fame
A really lame, lame claim to fame
That's right, I'm talking lame, lame claim to fame
A really really really lame, lame claim to fame
Ow, let's get lame boys
Foil
----
(parody of "Royals" by Lorde)
I never seem to finish all my food
I always get a doggy bag, from the waiter
So I just keep what's still unchewed
And I take it home, save it for later
But then I deal with fungal rot, bacterial formation
Microbes, enzymes, mold, and oxidation
I don't care, I've got a secret trick up my sleeve
I never bother with baggies, glass jars, Tupperware containers
Plastic cling wrap, really a no brainer
I just like, to keep all my flavors sealed in tight
With aluminum foil (foil).
Never settle for less.
That kind of wrap is just the best
To keep your sandwich nice and fresh.
Stick it in your cooler (cooler)
Eat it when you're ready
Then maybe you'll choose (you'll choose you'll choose you'll choose)
A refreshing herbal tea
(Hm, lovely)
Oh by the way I've cracked the code
I've figured out these shadow or-ganizations
And the Illuminati knows that they're finally primed
For world domination
And soon you've got black helicopters comin' cross the border
Puppetmasters for the new world order
Be aware, there's always someone that's watching you
And still the government won't admit they faked the whole moon landing
Thought control rays, psychotronic scanning.
Don't mind that, I'm protected 'cause I made this hat
From aluminum foil (foil)
Wear a hat that's foil lined
In case and alien's inclined
To probe your butt or read your mind
Looks a bit peculiar ('culiar)
Seems a little crazy
But someday I'll prove (I'll prove, I'll prove, I'll prove)
There's a big conspiracy
Sports Song
-----------
Your sports team is vastly inferior
That simple fact is plainly obvious to see
We're gonna kick your collective posterior
Of course you realize we're speaking, figuratively
Our stats are thoroughly impressive,
Our coach really has the Midas touch,
Our players are fast and strong and brave
And your guys, (Eh!), not so much.
In fact we've played teams across the nation
And you're the worst one we've come across
Try to assimilate that information
And it just might help you cope with your impending loss
Oh, and if somehow we are still failing to effectively articulate the points at hand.
Allow us now summarize them in a manner that your feeble brains can understand.
We're great (we're great)
And you suck (you suck)
We're great (we're great)
And you suck (you suck)
We're great (we're great)
And you suck (you suck)
You see there's us (we're great)
And then there's you (you suck)
We're really, really great (really great)
In contrast, you really suck (really suck)
Okay, full disclosure, we're not that great
But nevertheless, you suck.
[Drum Solo]
Your sports team will soon suffer swift defeat
That theory's backed up by empirical evidence
We're gonna grind up your guys into burger meat
Again, of course we're speaking in the figurative sense
What's the use of even going through the motions
When you know that you're gonna lose anyhow?
So why don't you save us all some time
And give up now? (you suck!)
Word Crimes
-----------
(parody of "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke)
Everybody shut up! *Hah*
Hey, hey hey! *Everybody listen up* Hey, hey hey! Hey, hey hey! *Turn me up*
If you can't write in the proper way,
If you don't know how to conjugate
Maybe you flunked that class,
And, maybe now you find,
That people mock you online *Everybody wise up!*
Okay, now here's the deal,
I'll try to educate ya,
Gonna familiarize, you with the nomenclature,
You'll learn the definitions,
Of nouns and prepositions,
Literacy's your mission,
And, that's why I think it's a good time,
To learn some grammar, *What?!*
Now did I stammer?
Work on that grammar,
You should know when,
It's less or it's fewer,
Like people who were,
Never raised in a sewer,
I hate these Word Crimes,
Like I could care less,
That means you do care,
At least a little,
Don't be a moron,
You better slow down,
And use the right pronoun,
Show the world you're no clown *Everybody wise up!*
Say you've got an IT,
Followed by apostrophe, S
Now what does that mean,
You would not use this in this case,
As a possessive, *No, no no*
It's a contraction, *Yeah, yeah, yeah* *Laughing*
What's a contraction?
Well, it's the shortening of a word, or a group of words, by the omission of
a sound or letter...
Okay, now here's some notes,
Syntax you're always mangling,
No X in Espresso,
Your participle's danglin',
But, I don't want your drama,
If you really wanna,
Leave out that Oxford comma,
Just keep in mind,
That "be,""see," "are," "you," (B-C-R-U)
Are words, not letters!
Get it together,
Use your spell checker,
You should never,
Write words using numbers,
Unless you're seven,
Or your name is Prince *Everybody wise up!*
I hate these Word Crimes
*Hate them crimes!*
You really need a,
*I hate them crimes!*
Full-time proofreader,
*I mean those crimes!*
You dumb mouth-breather,
Well, you should hire,
Some cunning linguist,
To help you distinguish,
What is proper English? *Everybody wise up!*
One thing I ask of you,
Time to learn your homophones is past due,
Learn to diagram a sentence too,
Always say "to whom",
Don't ever say "to who",
Yeah, listen up when I tell you this,
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis,
You finished second grade (we, hoo),
Hope you can tell,
If you're doing good or doing well,
Figure out the difference,
Irony is not coincidence,
And, I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull,
What's figurative and what's literal,
Oh but, just now, you said,
You literally couldn't get out of bed, *What?!*
That really makes me want to literally smack a crowbar upside your stupid
head,
I read your e-mail,
It's quite apparent,
You're grammar's errant,
You're incoherent,
Saw your blog post,
It's really fantastic,
That was sarcastic, *Oh, psych!*
'Cause you write like a spastic
I hate these Word Crimes,
*Everybody wise up!*
Your prose is dopey,
*Hey!*
Think you should only,
*Oooo, hoooo*
Write in emoji,
Oh, you're a lost cause,
*Hey, hey hey hey*
Go back to pre-school,
Get out of the gene pool,
*Hey, hey hey*
Try your best to not drool,
*Never mind I give up*
*Really now I give up*
*Hey, hey hey*
*Hey, hey hey*
*Go Away!*
My Own Eyes
-----------
I saw a baby drive a truck
I saw a junkie eat a tuba
I saw a stripper kiss a duck
Behind a dumpster in Aruba
I saw this fat, psychotic guy
His underwear was made of crickets
He pawned a skeleton to buy
Some old expired lotto tickets
I saw a naked vagrant
Giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to his cat
I probably could have gone my whole life without seeing that
Chorus:
With My Own Eyes
I see things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From My Own Eyes
I saw a mime get packed to death
With an imaginary cleaver
I saw an old man's final breath
I watched him die from Bieber Fever
I saw these diabetic chicks
In an abandoned 7-Eleven
I watched them snorting pixie sticks
While they were belching Stairway To Heaven
I saw two drag queens trying to see how many crackers they could shove up
each other's nose
I'd like to erase my mind completely but I suppose
That's just the way it goes
With My Own Eyes
I see things that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain
From My Own Eyes, My Own Eyes
Those visions haunt my memories
Oh there's so much I wish I could unsee
With My Own Eyes
Some priest got drunk and stole a circus zebra and he trained it to massage his back
My guinea pig committed harakiri, so we used him to play hackey-sack
My neighbor's kids sold weapons-grade plutonium and frosty ice-cold lemonade
They took MasterCard and sometimes human organs in trade
That's how we paid
I have to say that it was really darn good lemonade
With My Own Eyes
I've seen thing that'd drive a normal man insane
Wish I could disconnect my brain from My Own Eyes, My Own Eyes
Those visions haunt my memory
Oh there's so much I wish I could unsee
With My Own Eyes
With My Own Eyes
With My Own Eyes
With My Own Eyes
Mission Statement
-----------------
We must all efficiently,
Operationalize our strategies,
Invest in world-class technology,
And leverage our core competencies,
In order to holistically administrate,
Exceptional synergy,
We'll set a brand trajectory,
Using management's philosophy,
Advance on Macheive Leivieve,
A proven methodology,
With strong commitment to quality,
Effectively enhancing corporate synergy,
Transitioning our company,
By awareness of functionality,
Promoting viability,
Providing awesome logic with diversity, *Ooooooooo*
We will distill our identity,
Through client-centric solutions,
And synergy, *Ooooooo--ooooo--oooooooooo*
At the end-At the end-of the day-Of the day,
We must monetize our assets,
The fundamentals of change,
Can you visualize a value-added experience?
That will grow the business infrastructure, and
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets
Monetize our assets
Bringing to the table,
Our capitalized reputation,
Proactively overseeing day-to-day operations,
Services and deliverables,
With cross-platform innovation,
Networking soon will bring seamless integration,
Provost and scalable bleeding-edge and next-generation,
Best of breed,
We'll succeed,
In achieving globalization,
Gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace,
It's vision-critical to stay syngerized,
Against this purple-poster-flexible-solutions for all customer base,
If you can think outside the box,
You'll be downsized,
It's a paradigm shift, *Rolls tongue, Hey, Hey!* *Look out!*
Well, it's a paradigm shift, now! Here we go! Here we go! Here we come! Here
we come! Ha!
Inactive
--------
(parody of "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons)
I'm waking up
In Cheeto dust
My belly's covered with pizza crust
I'm using my inhaler now, *Wheezes*
I'm out of shape
Fattening up
I'm sipping Coke from a soda cup
Donut crumbs are upon my lips, *Whoa-oa*
The TVs on, I really hate this show
I can't reach my remote control
Welcome to my new place, to my new place
Sorry it's a cramped space, but it's my place
O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, I'm so Inactive
O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, Highly Inactive
My muscle's gone
I'm atrophied
Always lose my fight with gravity
I rest my bones
And just chillax *Whoa-oa*
My nordic tracks
Collecting dust
And my stair-masters a pile of rust
This is it, The Inertia *Whoa-oa*
I can't get up
This couch is part of me
I'm growing cobwebs
On my knee
Crazy that for my age, that for my age
I could read my rib cage, here is my age
O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, Yes, quite Inactive
O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, Not very Active
Here comatose
No exercise
Don't tag my toe
I'm still alive
Chorus:
I'm giving up
My inner-teenage drive
I'm never moving from this spot
Never move from this place, Move from this place
I'll stay here in this place, Right in this place
O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, Just so Inactive
O-o-o-o-o, O-o-o-o, I'm really Inactive, I'm so Attractive
First World Problems
--------------------
My maid is cleaning the bathroom
So, I can take a shower
When I do the water starts getting cold
After an hour
I couldn't order off the breakfast menu
'Cause I slept in till two
Then, I filled up on bread
Didn't leave any room for tiramisu
Oh no, there's a pixel out
In the corner of my laptop screen
I don't have any bills in my wallet small enough
For the vending machine
Some idiot just called me up on the phone, *What?!*
Don't they know how to text, OMG!
I got First World, First World Problems, *First World Problems*
O-o-o-o-o-o, First World, First World Problems, *First World Problems*
O-o-o-o-o-o, First World, First World Problems
I bought too many groceries
For my refrigerator
Forgot my gardener's name
I'll have to ask him later
Tried to fast-forward commercials
Can't! I'm watching live TV!
I'm pretty sure the cookies in this airport now
But you aint gluten-free
My barista didn't even bother
To make a design in the foam on the top of my vanilla late!
First World, First World Problems, *First World Problems*
First World, First World Problems, *First World Problems*
First World, First World Problems
Can't remember which car I drove
To the mall
My SonicK won't recharge
Now I gotta brush my teeth like a Neanderthal
The thread count in these cotton sheets
Has got me itching
My house is so big
I can't get WiFi in the kitchen
I had to buy something I didn't even need
Just so I could qualify for Free Shipping on Amazon!
First World, First World Problems *First World Problems*
First World, First World Problems *First World Problems*
First World, First World Problems *First World Problems*
First World, First World Problems *First World Problems*
First World, First World Problems *First World Problems*
First World, First World Problems *Heh-heh-heh-Gasping-Gasping* *Amanda
Laughing*
Tacky
-----
(parody of "Happy" by Pharrell)
It might seem crazy wearing stripes with plaid
I Instagram every meal I've had
All my used liquor bottles are on display
We can go to see a show, But I'll make you pay
(Because I'm Tacky)
Wear my belt with suspenders
And sandals with my socks
(Because I'm Tacky)
Got some new glitter Uggs
And lovely pink sequined Crocs
(Because I'm Tacky)
Never let you forget
Some favor I did for you
(Because I'm Tacky)
If you're okay with that
You might just be tacky, too
I meet some chick, ask her this and that
Like, Are you pregnant girl, or just really fat? (What?)
Well, now I'm dropping names almost constantly
That's what Kanye West keeps telling me
Here's why
(Because I'm Tacky)
Wear my Ed Hardy shirt
With fluorescent orange pants
(Because I'm Tacky)
Got my new resume
It's printed in Comic Sans
(Because I'm Tacky)
Think it's fun threatening waiters
With a bad Yelp review
(Because I'm Tacky)
If you think that's just fine
Then you're probably Tacky, too
(Tacky) Bring me shame, Can't Nothing
(Tacky) Bring me shame, I've never known why
(Tacky) Bring me shame, Can't Nothing
(Tacky) Bring me shame, I said, (Tell you now)
(Tacky) Bring me shame, Can't Nothing
(Tacky) Bring me shame, It's pointless to try
(Tacky) Bring me shame, Can't Nothing
(Tacky) Bring me shame, I said,
(Because I'm Tacky)
43 Bumper Stickers
And a YOLO license plate
(Because I'm Tacky)
Bring along my coupon book
Whenever I'm on a date
(Because I'm Tacky)
Practice my twerking moves
In line at the DMV
(Because I'm Tacky)
Took the whole bowl of restaurant mints
Hey! It said they're free!
(Because I'm Tacky)
I get drunk at the bank,
And take off my shirt, at least
(Because I'm Tacky)
I would live-tweet a funeral,
Take selfies with the deceased
(Because I'm Tacky)
If I'm bit by a zombie
I'm probably not telling you
(Because I'm Tacky)
If you don't think that's bad,
Guess what, then you're Tacky, too
Jackson Park Express
--------------------
Tuesday morning, 8:15
I was riding to work on the Jackson Park Express
Seemed like any other day
Then my whole world changed in a way I never could have guessed
'Cause she walked in, O-oh-O
Took the seat right across the aisle
I knew we had a special connection
The second I saw her smile
She smiled as if to say
Hello, haven't seen you on this bus before
I gave her a look that said
Hah, Life is funny, you never know what's in store
By the way, your hair is beautiful
I bet it smells like RAISINS
She looked at me in a way that asked
Did you have a nose job or something?
I'm only asking
'Cause your nose looks slightly better
Than the rest of your face
I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly
Which was my way of asking
Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer?
It still works, Kinda
And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left
Then she let out a long sigh
Which I took to mean, Uh
Mama, What is that deodorant you're wearing?
It's intoxicating
Why don't we drive out to the country sometime
And collect deer ticks in a ziplock baggie, Aw yeah
I gave her a penetrating stare
Which could only mean
You are my answer. My answer to everything. Which is why
I'll probably do very poorly on the written part of my driver's test.
O-oh-O, O-ho-O, O-oh-O-O-oh-O, Yes, It all happened on the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express, On the Jackson Park Express, On the Jackson Park Express
I knew she was starting to fall for me
'Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant
Baby, lets wear each other's clothes
And speak in a fake German accent
And, maybe someday we can own and operate
Our own mobile pet-grooming service, Ahhhh
I couldn't hold back my feelings,
I gave her a look, that said
I would make any sacrifice for your love
Goat, chicken, whatever
I could never hold you close enough
Let's have our bodies surgically grafted together, Surgically grafted together
She picked up her newspaper, and started reading to herself
Which I'm sure, was a way of telling me
When you're cold, I will warm you, Ah, When you're shivering, I will hold you
When your nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour, for as long as the symptoms persist
O-oh-I, I never, ever want to see you cry
So, please let me, codderize your tear ducts with an arc welder
Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second, in a way that clearly implied
I like your boobs.
Oh-o-Oh-Yes, it all happened on the Jackson Park Express,
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away
And I'm sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say
I was trying to say, Hey!
I'd like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells that you
sluff off while you sleep at night
Whoa-o-Oh, I'd like to rip you wide open, And french-kiss every single one
of your internal organs
Oh, I'd like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin
but not in a creepy way
Then, I'm pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye
And though she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard
She was saying, Oh!
I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon
I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight, until the staff at SeaWorld kicks us out
I want you inside me, O-O-oh, like a tapeworm
I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating, Hey!
I think you got something on the side of your mouth, She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say, Here?, I nodded, implying, Yeah, you got it.
And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly, Where
are you going?, pleaded my eyes, Baby, don't you do this to me
Think of the beautiful children we could have someday, We could school them
at home, Raise them up the right way, And protect them from the evils of the
world, Like Trigonometry and Prime Numbers, O-Oh-No, Baby, please don't go
She brushed my leg, as she left the bus, I'm sure that was her way of saying
I'm sorry this just isn't working out, You're suffocating me, I need some
space to find out what life's all about, so, goodbye forever, my love
And deep inside, I knew she was right, it was time for us both to move on
Although, I never got her number, Oh-no-no, She never bothered to leave her
address, But, as long as I live, I'll never forget those precious moments we
shared together on
The Jackson Park Express
on the Jackson Park Express
on the Jackson Park Express
on the Jackson Park Express
on the Jackson Park Express
on the Jackson Park Express
on the Jackson Park Express
on the Jackson Park Express!
